All I will ever do..

I woke up this morning.. hoping that maybe I would be able to think of something different... hoping my mind would be distracted but my thoughts each morning.. my first thoughts are always of the same thing.. I need to purge my mind of my hurt.. I need to do something more to distract myself.. I had a conversation last night.. and was told that I would never be left alone... the thing is.. that in my mind.. at times.. I am more alone than ever.. I still sit in my room.. I am beginning to adjust to the idea of living alone... last night my dreams were all off the scale.. I dreamed of moving... inside my house.. to another room. This room didn't exist.. which put me in a place where I didn't exist.. and things were so much better there.. I wasn't held accountable for anything... no one saw me.. no one contacted me... and I was ok with that.. I couldn't get out and no one could get in.. to escape.. all I had to do was sleep.. to dream.. that's all I have left.. fantasy.. my dreams.. to me.. it's strange.. in away... I am happy for my mother.. but I will miss her dearly.. she gets to get out of all the pain.. and the hardship that this life has to offer. I firmly believe in heaven and know that she will be there.. but it's still so difficult to imagine life without her..  I know that it were me... I'd be ok with dying.. not that I would ever inflict it on myself.. but.. with all of what I've been through mentally.. I would welcome the relief.. I was told once.. that people should be separate.. not too dependent on each other... it's times like this when I would have to disagree.. when things get too much for one person to bear.. you would always be able to count on the other "half" of yourself to help you through... In my mind.. I guess I got too involved in my last relationship.. I lost a part of myself that I left with her.. and I won't ever be able to get that back.. I figure after a few years.. everyone will see what I mean.. I'm going to continue to push people away when I have the strength to push.. right now.. I don't have any strength left in me.. it's all I can do to stand up and go to work.. I wanted so much to stay in bed today.. and lie there.. indefinitely.. but what would that accomplish.. it would allow all the crap to build up that I would have to take care of anyway... and just be harder on me further along.. The really messed up thing.. I don't know which hurts me worse.. losing my mother.. or losing the one I've been blogging about so much.. it scares me that I can get my feelings so strongly in just a year.. I was told by someone that she just wasn't who I thought she was.. and I suppose that person is right.. I fell in love with someone I thought would never put aside what we had.. that would fight through the hardships.. together with me.. and allow us to both support each other... not abandon me just before I needed her most... All my faith.. my love.. my hope.. was put into one person.. and she wasn't strong enough to accept it.. she walked away.. and took a lot of that with her.. I don't have much left.. my faith is so weak.. my love just about gone.. ... and things rarely seem more hopeless than they do now.. I'm tired of fighting this losing battle with myself.. I want her.. and I won't be happy without her... but if I had her in my life now.. I would never trust her to not run away again.. her being with someone else.. didn't bother me as much as the fact that she wouldn't allow herself to love me.. as much as I loved her.. without question.. without reservations.. without fear.. that was my fault.. to abandon myself so deeply in what I felt.. that I can't find my way back.. I thought that was what all women wanted.. someone that would love them absolutely.. without anything in the way...  I think women just say that.. to tell the truth.. I don't think anyone knows what they want... and I refuse to allow myself to fall that hard again.. I will push.. and struggle with all the strength I have left if I feel any long term commitments to anyone.. right now.. I plan on having a few friends.. until they leave me.. but I won't ever commit any more of myself than being a friend... that's all I will ever do.

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