Dispair.
I left the sites for a purpose.. it's because I feel like they are corruptive... and there are too many reminders there of the hurt I feel... so when someone insists on giving me information about what they are doing on the site... I don't really care to know... in fact, that's why I went to bed early tonight... I got a bit frustrated with my game... but more than that... I've made it perfectly clear that I don't care about the sites and would rather not discuss them.. still evidently I haven't made myself clear... which got me to thinking.. for someone who is supposed to be my friend... not much I write or say actually sinks in... it's like I throw all my thoughts and feelings down here.. and someone can just pick through them.. and select a few things to believe.. and the rest... well.. is completely ignored... I don't know how much clearer to put things.. maybe I am a poor communicator.. but I was pretty sure that I am blunt.. straightforward... and completely obvious...
I will go visit my mother this afternoon.. I don't work today... that's 3 whole days in the past month that I've had off... woo hoo... My father said that they are keeping her busy.. doing things.. going places.. so that she doesn't have time to think about things, I suppose... I can understand that.. that's why I work so much.. so I don't have time to think about things.. I am going to have to go to the eye doctor soon.. because my eye has started to bother me some lately.. lots of muscle spasms in it.. even after I rest.. it doesn't take long after I wake up to start again... I dreamed last night that I went blind.. too much pressure on that eye.. turned into glaucoma.. and I was left sightless.. since I only have sight in one eye.. that rendered me permanently blind.. even that.. didn't phase me... I suppose I could deal with that too if it were true.. I would have to... I try not to worry about things in the future.. I've come to sort of expect the worst though. That seems to be my luck...
I fell asleep not too long after my last text message last night.. and slept until this morning.. probably the longest stint of consecutive sleep I've had for awhile... even if it was 4:30 when I woke up.. I despise mornings.. I always used to be a night owl... and would work on things until early in the morning.. and then sleep late.. but I suppose that's changing for me too.. I have an auto-alarm clock in my head that wakes me up... sometimes I think about taking pills to help me sleep.. but I've decided that any more chemical imbalance in my body would tip me off the charts.. and I'd be even more crazy than I am now.
I still want to be able to wake up.. and not think about her.. but I don't think I will ever accomplish that.. I think about her more now than I ever have.. and I get sad... it's like a diabetic who's favorite food is a super sweet.. ultra rich.. cheesecake.. it'll never happen.. because it would destroy me inside to let her back into my life.. but in the same sense.. there's not much left to destroy.. she did a pretty thorough job of that the first time... I am learning to adjust to what I'm feeling.. even though I am still feeling it as strongly as ever.. it's somewhat hard to get used to dispair...
I will go visit my mother this afternoon.. I don't work today... that's 3 whole days in the past month that I've had off... woo hoo... My father said that they are keeping her busy.. doing things.. going places.. so that she doesn't have time to think about things, I suppose... I can understand that.. that's why I work so much.. so I don't have time to think about things.. I am going to have to go to the eye doctor soon.. because my eye has started to bother me some lately.. lots of muscle spasms in it.. even after I rest.. it doesn't take long after I wake up to start again... I dreamed last night that I went blind.. too much pressure on that eye.. turned into glaucoma.. and I was left sightless.. since I only have sight in one eye.. that rendered me permanently blind.. even that.. didn't phase me... I suppose I could deal with that too if it were true.. I would have to... I try not to worry about things in the future.. I've come to sort of expect the worst though. That seems to be my luck...
I fell asleep not too long after my last text message last night.. and slept until this morning.. probably the longest stint of consecutive sleep I've had for awhile... even if it was 4:30 when I woke up.. I despise mornings.. I always used to be a night owl... and would work on things until early in the morning.. and then sleep late.. but I suppose that's changing for me too.. I have an auto-alarm clock in my head that wakes me up... sometimes I think about taking pills to help me sleep.. but I've decided that any more chemical imbalance in my body would tip me off the charts.. and I'd be even more crazy than I am now.
I still want to be able to wake up.. and not think about her.. but I don't think I will ever accomplish that.. I think about her more now than I ever have.. and I get sad... it's like a diabetic who's favorite food is a super sweet.. ultra rich.. cheesecake.. it'll never happen.. because it would destroy me inside to let her back into my life.. but in the same sense.. there's not much left to destroy.. she did a pretty thorough job of that the first time... I am learning to adjust to what I'm feeling.. even though I am still feeling it as strongly as ever.. it's somewhat hard to get used to dispair...
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