sooner or later.

I woke up this morning.. sooo rested... at least compared to last night.. I was so tired... my spouse said I left my car door wide open... I've never done that before... I am sorta surprised I made it home.. I was up for a bit afterwards.. but I pushed myself to stay awake.. I even played my game for a bit... but I don't remember a lot of last night after I left work.. I patrolled the bays outside while the campus had their Christmas party.. it was cold.. I was alone.. sort of a metaphor for my life.. I stayed at my post.. because it was what I was supposed to do... I didn't even get any of the Christmas dinner... my spouse didn't bring my daughters to the party.. so.. there was no reason for me to be there.. I think everyone there had a nice time.. and I'm not really into the "happy" scene at the moment..  My mom called me this morning.. they are going to visit for a little while today... they're going to drop off Christmas presents... I think it's just in case.. she doesn't make it until then... It's really difficult to think about that.. but.. life has been difficult for awhile now.. and will continue to be.. I really have no clue how to handle myself lately.. I am going on autopilot.. I worked from 6 am to 9 pm last night.. the same as other nights this week.. and am tired... maybe I'll rest a little this weekend before doing it again next week..  I keep feeling a pain in my chest.. but I'm certain it's not a heart attack.. I think it is stress related.. it's like the muscle is very sore.. the same I've had off and on for about 4 years now.. the first time it happened.. I went to the hospital and spent a day doing all kinds of tests.. and they said my heart was completely healthy.. but that I might have an inflammation in my chest wall.. well.. maybe.. my heart has taken a beating since then... but it's exactly the same as it was before.. the soreness.. it's not really pain.. just sore.. I don't plan on going back to get it checked out..  if I keel over.. I really don't want to see it coming.. I just want to pass on... but I'm certain it's just another ache I have to live with.. My wife's car is overheating.. something wrong with the radiator.. taking it to a mechanic today... he's a guy that lives down the road.. I think it's just a hose problem.. or maybe a water pump.. but I don't really want to deal with it..   I did allow myself to smile some the last few days.. I'm glad to have some interaction.. but I don't want anyone to think my attitude is changing.. I still don't hold hope for a viable future with anyone.. and I really don't want one.. I'm still living in the present..  just making it past the toughest times.. but I will want to be alone at some point and time.. this is what I've come to expect.. and I will make it happen.. sooner or later..

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