I won't be in love
4:30 on a Sunday morning.. and I'm up... I fell asleep last night at a decent hour... because I wasn't chatting... or playing WoW... or even blogging.. I just decided to go to sleep.. I am coming to some more revelations.. I have two friends mad at me now.. because of the way I am pushing one of them away... I have blogged.. and blogged and blogged about how I feel... and about how no one is getting what I'm saying in my blog... and how people think I'm wrong and will change my feelings... and it does no good... so I was willing to walk away from a friendship yesterday.. because I know that sooner or later... it will end in hurt if it is more than friendship... so.. it's back to square one.. I don't have the strength or desire to make her hate me... and I really don't want to do anything too much out of character... but I won't allow myself to start to slip in my beliefs.. I did that.. I gave everything.. without question... and fell hard.. too hard to survive another fall. We had a discussion of pride and predjudice.. and about Elizabeth and Darcy.. it's JUST A STORY!!! ...it doesn't happen in real life... You can give everything you have.. everything you are... and she will still walk away.. and choose another over you.. I can't ... and WON'T allow myself to fall for someone again.. so.. when I become an asshole.. and push away.. it's for the sake of both of us... I realize its the thing to do now.. yeah.. it hurts.. but if you truly have no intentions of a future with someone.. it's the only move you can make.. just like was done to me.. once she realized she didn't want a future with me.. I get that now.. I guess she already knew that all relationships are doomed.. either that.. or she did want someone else. That's a distinct possibility also.. I was looking at relationships with rose colored glasses... before my eyes were opened... I realize now that we set ourselves up for failure.. especially if we start believing in something that only one of us believes in.. and yeah.. I suppose we can all change.. I've changed my outlook.. even if you find someone.. there still exists no matter how good you think you have it.. that one of them will change.. and walk away.. and the other is left crushed... I can't do that again.. I can't survive that another time.. I can't let myself take the chance.. I don't care how much someone professes they love me.. I can't trust them not to change their mind once I abandon myself completely. So.. I will hold on to my beliefs.. and live in my bubble.. I am sorry for the friends I hurt along the way.. but if they choose not to believe what I've written here.. then that's their choice.. I don't know how to make it any clearer than I already have.. I will take all steps to insure that.. I won't be in love.
So you don't try ever anymore?
ReplyDeleteThe thing about meeting people, bonding with people, spending time with people, you never know what is going to happen. ANY relationship you have there always exists the chance for life to throw you a curve ball & it changes everything. Does that make everything that happend before the end null and void? I don't think that it does. I don't think that because something ends that means you rewrite history into something it wasn't.
If you spend time with a person and it's wonderful and for reasons that none of us can control, you have to let go it's painful. But that doesn't take away how great things were. And that doesn't mean you have to be lonley forever. And that doesn't mean that it will always end. And that doesn't mean that the next person that shows up open to love is going to be the same walking mess that the person before was.
Marriages end. Friendships end. Sometimes parents and children stop speaking. That does not mean that everything in life ends. That does not mean the the whole thing was a lie. That does not mean that it shouldn't have happend.
I wouldn't trade my memories for ANYTHING. We are all the sun of our experiences. Maybe next time you will take it slower. Or hold back a little at first if that's what makes you comfortable. But to not give something a chance is silly. Life is hard and a little bit of comfort and a safe place to rest is not something you should turn away.
The person that you loved so much was the luckiest person in the whole world. I'm positive she loved you too....because nobody can be loved like that and not feel it in return. I'm sure that she cherishes every memory. I'm sure that you helped heal her in ways that she never knew a person could. I'm sure she thinks about you every day and wants you to be ok and good. I'm sure that you are far to special to burry yourself away and not bond with anyone else.
In response to those comments... I thought I had found someone who I would always be able to depend on.. someone who would always be able to share a part of my life.. she made me feel as though I was special.. and then one day.. it was just like a light switch.. nope.. done.. move on.. I can't do that.. and that she could tells me that she wasn't as entranced in our relationship as I was.. I believed in something that didn't exist.. something I had grown to believe in.. that true love was something that lasts forever.. and I still believe that.. because I still will love her forever.. but the fact that she doesn't.. shows me that no matter how hard I believe in something.. my feelings will betray me into thinking that I can have something that doesn't exist. I think she got upset about how other people left her.. and was with others.. but it's exactly the same with the exclusion that she just decided it was over.. and that she should move on.. I can't believe she loved me.. not truly.. or she would never have put me through the things she did.. and because I can't believe in that.. I won't be able to believe in anyone... Yes.. maybe I'm stubborn.. but I wouldn't be able to live through another time.. and this one almost did me in.. I am done with trusting.. because I can't trust her.. I can't trust myself.. I can't trust in anything I thought existed..
ReplyDeleteReally??
ReplyDeleteSo...using your logic, your friend, whom you talk about here, your friend who you profess to care about alot...you are hurting her with you actions. That must mean that you do not care about her, right?
Using that same logic, if a woman is pregnant, say...and does not have the means to provide a good life for her child, and she chooses to give that child up and give that child to a family that CAN provide for that child what it needs...even though it hurts...do you think that means she doesn't love her child and doesn't want the best for that child?
Love isn't black and white. Walking away hurts the person that walked away too. That doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do and that it still wasn't the right decision. How she chose to move on after the relationship ended is no more your business than what you chose to do after the relationship ended. That does not change what happend. The ending does not change the entire story.
People hurt people that they love. It's not right. It's not excusible, but people are flawed and fucked up and don't know how to do the hard things with grace. Sometimes when the time comes to dig deep there is just nothing left to dig for because life have tapped them out. Kinda how you are feeling right now.