Too damaged to care.

To respond to the comments from Saturday's post.. If someone gives up their child.. they are doing it because they gave up faith in their ability to provide... I guess I was a hopeless romantic who always believed if the love is strong enough... something would always come along to help things to work out. ...I could never give up a child.. no matter how hard things were... I would believe in my ability to fight and find something to work it out. ... as far as my friend is concerned.. I do care about her.. but not completely.. I don't have that ability anymore... there is a part of my soul that has been ripped away.. and my friends will just have to deal with who I am now. If all this hadn't happened.. yeah.. I would still be the hopeless romantic.. and I would probably see what existed betweeen her and myself.. but I see things for what they really are now.. and I've given up.. it's as simple as that. I choose not to allow myself to be in a situation anymore where the remander of what I am will be destroyed.  Love IS black and white.. you either love someone.. or you don't.. how you choose to deal with it.. is part of what defines you. You can choose to believe.. and have faith.. if you love.. or you can run away from it... If you choose to run... how many times will you run.. if it happens again.. will you run again?   When you run.. that's just being a coward.. your faith in the love isn't strong..  or the love isn't strong enough to justify staying with it.. We don't always make the right choices.. that is completely true.. but if we have a revelation.. and our eyes are opened.. then we can always swallow our pride and rectify our mistakes... I admitted several times when I was wrong.. and I can be again... but my heart knows how I feel about this.. and I can't change it.. I said love IS black and white.. but it's not logical.. you can't choose who you love.. and who you don't.. it just happens.. BAM! POW! ...and then you're screwed... you're in love.. Once you have a child.. and that child is with you.. you'll do everything you can to keep that child.. if the love is there.. the faith comes from somewhere.. if it's not.. you can tell yourself all you want ...that it was love that you felt.. but it wasn't.. it couldn't be.. if it were.. then you'd still feel the same.. true love doesn't change.. it's as pure as anything... that's what I believe.. and I will not under any circumstances change my attitude about that... I felt that.. I still do.. I can't make myself feel any differently and at this point.. I don't know if I ever will.. but it doesn't matter.. there is nothing I can do about it.. If true love does exist.. then it's what I still feel.. I can't throw my heart away and get a new one to love someone else.  ...and my heart is too damaged to care.

Comments

  1. AnonymousDecember 12, 2011 at 6:07 AM

    Sooo....using YOUR logic.......

    In any other situation, you would see what existed between you friend and you are love. (But you are running away from it.) But if you run away from love then you are a coward. So...are you calling yourself a coward?
    (I know I'm just being difficult this time but also just challenging some of your thoughts.)

    And...I disagree. Faith isn't going to put food on the table for that child if you can't provide for it's needs. And sometimes the way you show love to let go and let somene that can provide for that child take care of them even if it hurts.

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  2. AnonymousDecember 12, 2011 at 6:33 AM

    YOu say you don't believe in love but you prove how much you love her every single day. You are saying, look, look how miserable I am without you. I am willing to make the ultimate sacrifice and give up everything to prove to you how much I love you. Isn't that what martyrdom is? The ultimate sacrifice for love and for as long as you have a grain of faith to hold on to that she will see and somehow come to a revelation that you are the one she should be with, you will dig in your heels.
    You are like a kid lost in a grocery store. You were told if you are ever seperated then don't move and she will find you. That's what you are doing with your life. You are standing still until she finds you. If anybody gets to close and blocks a possible angle of view for her you push them away.
    I can respect that kind of love. I feel it too!!!!

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  3. SpecialKDecember 12, 2011 at 10:33 AM

    If I said I don't believe in love.. I was wrong. I DO believe that love might exist.. but if it does.. it is black and white.. yes.. I'm a coward... I go out in storms now.. but if I get struck by lightning.. or blown a distance in a tornado.. and survive.. then I will wouldn't put myself in a situation where that might happen again.. if I have a gas heater to explode on me.. does that mean I won't live in a house with heat? no.. but that means I won't have a gas heater anymore.. when we are almost destroyed.. we tend to avoid those things that have almost destroyed us. You will rarely hear of someone giving away a child once they have established a bond.. because it's something that exists... If I feel I'm not the best thing for my kids... I won't push them away.. even if I am not certain I will be able to take care of them in the future. I care too much for them for that.. and I will always find a way.. no matter what happens.. it's called caring.. Maybe I am lost.. I can't help being lost. This blog is just about my feelings.. right or wrong.. it doesn't matter.. it's just the way I feel.. I cannot change that. I want things the way they where.. but that's like trying to fix a broken rubber band.. you can always tell where it's been broken.. and it will never be the same. Let her go on and do whatever makes her happy.. if I choose to live like this.. it's my own fault.. I was happy.. even if she had continued with her husband.. for as long as necessary.. but by continuing with others... does that mean she won't be hoping for anything different with him as she would with me? ...no.. it's just finding someone else to fill in for me once she grew tired of me. She can tell herself whatever she wants... but that's my feelings about it.

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