This is me.

I get to leave 3 hours early today.. woohoo.. that means I have more time to come home and sit in my room.. yay!!!  ...it's called sarcasm.. there is a lot of that in me.. maybe that's why I don't have many friends.. I don't ask people to come into my life... but I welcome those that choose to.. I still have a problem with being a good friend.. because at this point.. I'm a bit selfish.. I have been doing for others for so long.. that I finally want a bit of my time.. If I don't contact someone.. it's not because I don't care about them.. it's because I figure they have better things to do than be bothered by me.. I sometimes feel like I'm a burden on the world. Yeah... it's the self-pity party starting up again.. I just feel hammered sometimes from all directions.. I feel like people expect something from me.. and I don't know what I have in me to give... I find it difficult sometimes just to go to work.. do what's expected there.. and come home to what?  I don't feel like I have a say-so in my life anymore.. so sometimes.. I just like to ...be... no expectations..  I enjoy the few minutes in the morning when I just lie there in the tub.. with the water over most of my body.. it's always very warm.. lying with my head submurged for a little bit.. tuning out the world.. I try not to think about the future.. when I do.. it just seems dark.. I don't have any plans.. nor will I make any.. any time soon.. I am needing my break.. just to get away... my mother had her port put in yesterday for the chemo.. they start that next week.. My dad.. sat in the car on Wednesday.. and kept saying.. "I don't know what I'd do..."   I don't really know either.. they have grown so dependent on each other..  they seemed reasonably happy.. even though I remember many fights.. and arguements while I was growing up.. I don't think it's how you get along with someone that defines your relationship.. but how you make up... of course.. if you're having to constantly make up.. then a problem exists there too.. I think most of our relationship problems stem from miscommunication.. I look back on my past relationships, and I think that maybe I was just a temporary port in the storm of their lives... I find it so hard to think of things in terms of long-term.. probably because no one.. other than my family has ever been "long-term"   ...I suppose my spouse has been in my life the longest.. but it was only out of necessity.. I care what happens to her.. but I don't "love" her.. no more than I do anyone else... I still don't believe in the concept I have of "love" ...my eyes were opened so much this past year.. maybe I need to redefine it.. maybe love isn't forever.. I find it hard to wrap my mind around that.. I care about several people in my life.. and I would miss them... but I refuse to let myself be dependent on having any person be a necessary part of me anymore.. I suppose that's why I push away people that try to get close to me.. I am afraid that I will hurt them... or they will hurt me.. we only can be hurt by those we let into our lives.. my walls are really as strong as ever.. and I don't know that I'll ever come out of my zone... I have said things I believe so many times.. and I rationalize in my head.. that people know me by what I've written.. if they choose to believe something else.. then I can't stop them... nor will I try.. at least I'm not lying to anyone... I have laid out everything in my blog.. my thoughts.. my feelings.. most everything I am .. is being put in here.. This is me.