Something to ponder.

These early mornings are beginning to suck.. well.. they've always sucked... but now I'm sorta feeling them.. I worked late last night.. and back online again today... I probably will end up working late tonight too.. I continue to get messages.. I checked.. but I just sort of let them all slide.. I think I am gonna just back off the site I just joined.. yeah.. I know.. do this.. don't do this.. do that.. don't do that.. I seem to keep changing my mind.. it's not that I am changing my mind.. I just don't know what I want... I do know what I don't want... I don't want someone that I think will abandon me when she gets tired of me.. the problem is.. I really have a problem trusting that now.. I don't want someone who needs something else.. because I'm not enough. I don't want someone who can't trust in what we have... I don't want someone who doesn't feel like they can trust.. or depend on me for what they need... I don't want someone who doesn't need me in their life.. I do want something I thought I had.. but I've found out that it was evidently a myth.. a fantasy.. a dream.. and I was harshly awoken to the reality of the situation. I will continue to not trust people... I will continue to be shattered beyond repair.. I am not better.. I'm just dealing with things in a better way.  I still have the same thoughts against lasting relationships as I've had.. I still can't trust my feelings.. and don't know if I ever will be able to.. but I am allowing myself the ability to put that out of my head for moments.. to be able to not worry about the future.. and just accept that things are as they are.  I don't know what the future holds.. I really don't care.. I'm still having enough trouble living each day to the next.. I am certain she doesn't realize that she gave me the ultimate mindfuck.. whether she chose to or not.. isn't the question.. and I'm completely untrusting now.. I don't trust other people.. I don't trust myself...
so.. trust.. what is it?  I will think about that and get back tomorrow... as I have to work.. but it's something to ponder.

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