My eyes are open.

We all have desires.. things we wish for.. some things are things that we are missing.. some are just things that would be nice to have...  many times we will trick ourselves into justifying a means to get those things.. even if it goes against what our beliefs are.  I think that it makes it easier to lie to ourselves about things so we can move on.. so that we can feel better about our actions.. but it doesn't make it any better.. to anyone else.. so then we try to convence those we have hurt to believe in the lies we tell ourselves.. and if we can do that.. then all is better.. at least in our minds.. and that's really what counts.  but I can't believe anything different than what I know in my heart.  It doesn't matter who tries to tell me what.. I've always been a person to follow my heart.. and in the end that wins out... now.. what's left of my heart is telling me to believe in what I know to be true.. that people are generally out to do what they can justify.. even if it's not right. I was told that the reason I was cast aside.. was her situation.. but the fact that she could move on.. shows that was the first lie there... is her situation different?  ...or does she just feel differently now?  ... if she feels differently... that proves my point.. people can change their feelings for you.. at the drop of a hat.. if she doesn't feel differently.. then she has no intention of moving on to someone else either.. because of her obligations.. it doesn't matter... I just hate having someone try to justify the way I was cast aside.. just so they can feel better... it is what it is.. if it were love.. it wouldn't have ended.. at best.. it was being content in the moment.. so.. I continue to maintain my attitude.. and will not change.. yes.. I'm that stubborn.. if I go against what I believe in my heart.. to make myself... or anyone else feel better.. then I would be lying.. if I could change the last year.. would I?.. probably not.. I was shown that no matter how deep you care.. no matter how much you put of yourself.. that it isn't enough to change facts.. I'm glad my eyes are open.

Comments

  1. AnonymousDecember 12, 2011 at 5:06 AM

    "I was told that the reason I was cast aside.. was her situation.. but the fact that she could move on.. shows that was the first lie there... is her situation different? ...or does she just feel differently now? ... if she feels differently... that proves my point.. people can change their feelings for you.. at the drop of a hat.. if she doesn't feel differently.. then she has no intention of moving on to someone else either.. because of her obligations.."

    Soo...you wanted a future. She cannot provie you with that given her situation. (The situation being that her husband had a traumatic injury to the brain and needs her. She is not going anywhere anytime soon.) So....YOU were going to leave your family. When the above was going on. And sit and wait for her. Wait for something to happen. If she let you wait...that would mean wishing something bad on her husband. And she couldn't do that. And she probably didn't want to imagine you forever waiting by the phone, waiting for her to call you...waiting...waiting...waiting for things that she could not give you. Because she chose to not be alone does NOT change any of the facts. Your logic is NOT her logic. It must be nice to be all perfect and above everyone else not "compromising who you are". It sure seems like it's bringing alot of happiness to your life.

    I really don't get part that if she doesn't feel differently...then she wouldn't move on to someone else. Really? If YOU don't feel differently YOU wouldn't move on to someone else. Her husband is in a nursing home and she has no affection in her life what so ever. But she should sit all my herself and seek no comfort? Because that would make her a "worthy" person in your eyes? Or she should stay with someone that she knows would have to wait around for years and years, essentially for her husband to die....and THAT would make her a worthy person in your eyes? Those are the only two choices and if she does not choose one of those paths, then you deem her a liar?

    Interesting and educational. Thank you.

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  2. SpecialKDecember 12, 2011 at 9:09 PM

    I wasn't going to "sit and wait".. I was leaving my family because I was tired of lying.. and living in a situation that I made seem ok... I still plan on doing that.. the thing is.. I'm not leaving in order to be with someone... or not be with someone.. that has nothing to do with it... me leaving is all about ME!!! I was happy.. with how things were.. I would have been happy with them if they stayed that way indefinitely.. or even forever.. happier than I am now.. whether I would accept things in the future.. is the question.. my attitude never changed.. I would have been happy with whatever I could get.. it's her.. that decided that I would change.. and run away.. or not be happy.. or something.. it's her that decided how I would feel.. and acted accordingly.. she threw away what we had based on what she wasn't willing to work out... evidently because she didn't care enough to work it out. but..she couldn't seek comfort with me.. it will have to be with someone else.. someone she cares more for than me.

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