I am just me.
So... it's Christmas eve... and I thought I would be working.. but evidently I'm not.. I was surprised to see two other people show up.. I think the manager of our residential area has some screws loose.. but that's another story entirely. I sometimes get these "feelings".. of what I think is going to happen.. I even scare myself sometimes at how accurate they were... I had this "sympathy pain" in my stomach the other night.. and said that I thought my friend was going to get sick... the next day... her daughter got really sick.. and I made reference to my "premonition" saying that it was evidently her daughter that I was thinking about... then last night.. my friend got the sickest she's been in years... I know someday someone is going to slap me silly for "being right" ...it's my most irritating attribute.
We are meeting tomorrow afternoon for my parent's Christmas dinner.. I am afraid that it will be our last one with all of us together.. I cry when I think about losing my mom.. but I understand that all life has an end.. even one day would be mine... if I could trade places with her... and give her a few more years... I'd do it in a heartbeat... but that would be selfish of me.. maybe she'll finally find the peace that we all long for...
I had a dream last night.. that I was back in high school.. and we had to be in a talent show.. it was mandatory.. I was paired with this guy that wanted to dance ballet ...I don't even know who the guy was... and I wanted to sing... we couldn't decide what we were doing.. and then it was time to go on stage.. we hadn't rehearsed anything.. and then our names were called. At that point.. I woke up.. I remember feeling so unprepared... I wish that when I was so unprepared for life... that I could just wake up.. I want to believe that I know what I'm doing most of the time.. but in all reality.. I don't have a clue. I go through the motions.. making every decision as it comes to me.. a few of them.. I have contemplated for a bit.. and know... but for the most part.. I still struggle.. trying to decide if I'm actually able to make an intelligent decision. I get clouded by emotion.. no matter how logical I think I am... I'm even emotional about my logical nature... if that makes sence. I am the one that makes most of the decisions.. a take charge kind of person.. but I don't want to do that forever... I don't want to have to make every decision for everyone around me.. I need someone to take over some of what goes on. My spouse.. has started doing a few things.. she pays a couple of the bills.. but I still have to remind her. She's done a wonderful job of doing school things.. for our daughters... My youngest one sat on my lap last night.. as she sat there.. I realized how much she was growing.. she just turned 9. I know that in a few years.. she will venture out into the cruel, forboding world.. and I don't think I've equipted her with enough knowledge to handle herself.. but I will not hold her back.. from whatever she wants to do.. whoever she wants to be.. I will support that.. as I will with my 14 year old. I know they are going to go through hard times... and sometimes they may hate me.. or at least hate how I am... but that's what I've learned to deal with. I have put myself in a place where I am not dependent on having anyone in my life... I could get by without any person... I feel much less vunerable this way.. sure.. I would miss certain people if they weren't in my life... but I would go on... alone if necessary.. and I would be ok.. I thank my love for that.. I have been shown that I can still love someone.. and never be a part of their life... not get the love in return... I still feel the same as I always have.. but I will choose to be the person I want to be.. I am getting strength to deal with each passing day.. I will do what I need to do.. and if perchance I find some bright spots in my life to cheer me on.. all the better... but I don't require them.. I don't count on them.. I hope that I can learn to support those people who support me.. in a more positive way.. but for the moment.. I am just me.
We are meeting tomorrow afternoon for my parent's Christmas dinner.. I am afraid that it will be our last one with all of us together.. I cry when I think about losing my mom.. but I understand that all life has an end.. even one day would be mine... if I could trade places with her... and give her a few more years... I'd do it in a heartbeat... but that would be selfish of me.. maybe she'll finally find the peace that we all long for...
I had a dream last night.. that I was back in high school.. and we had to be in a talent show.. it was mandatory.. I was paired with this guy that wanted to dance ballet ...I don't even know who the guy was... and I wanted to sing... we couldn't decide what we were doing.. and then it was time to go on stage.. we hadn't rehearsed anything.. and then our names were called. At that point.. I woke up.. I remember feeling so unprepared... I wish that when I was so unprepared for life... that I could just wake up.. I want to believe that I know what I'm doing most of the time.. but in all reality.. I don't have a clue. I go through the motions.. making every decision as it comes to me.. a few of them.. I have contemplated for a bit.. and know... but for the most part.. I still struggle.. trying to decide if I'm actually able to make an intelligent decision. I get clouded by emotion.. no matter how logical I think I am... I'm even emotional about my logical nature... if that makes sence. I am the one that makes most of the decisions.. a take charge kind of person.. but I don't want to do that forever... I don't want to have to make every decision for everyone around me.. I need someone to take over some of what goes on. My spouse.. has started doing a few things.. she pays a couple of the bills.. but I still have to remind her. She's done a wonderful job of doing school things.. for our daughters... My youngest one sat on my lap last night.. as she sat there.. I realized how much she was growing.. she just turned 9. I know that in a few years.. she will venture out into the cruel, forboding world.. and I don't think I've equipted her with enough knowledge to handle herself.. but I will not hold her back.. from whatever she wants to do.. whoever she wants to be.. I will support that.. as I will with my 14 year old. I know they are going to go through hard times... and sometimes they may hate me.. or at least hate how I am... but that's what I've learned to deal with. I have put myself in a place where I am not dependent on having anyone in my life... I could get by without any person... I feel much less vunerable this way.. sure.. I would miss certain people if they weren't in my life... but I would go on... alone if necessary.. and I would be ok.. I thank my love for that.. I have been shown that I can still love someone.. and never be a part of their life... not get the love in return... I still feel the same as I always have.. but I will choose to be the person I want to be.. I am getting strength to deal with each passing day.. I will do what I need to do.. and if perchance I find some bright spots in my life to cheer me on.. all the better... but I don't require them.. I don't count on them.. I hope that I can learn to support those people who support me.. in a more positive way.. but for the moment.. I am just me.
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