Deal with it.

I have figured out that I am healing.. whether I want to or not.. and part of that healing process is being able to not care about the past.. That doesn't mean that I don't expect people to lie to me.. because all of the things I've been saying for so long.. I still believe.. but I don't want it to be that way... when I talk to someone.. I think in the back of my mind..."Why are they talking to me.. what do they want from me??"  I can't help but believe that all people have some sort of motive.. and I still believe that everyone uses others.. whether they want to admit it or not.. I use people.. to feel better.. to engage in conversation and fulfill that need of social interaction.. People use others to meet their own ends.. but some of the times.. it's with respect.  I had a friend of mine just recently talk about enjoying someone else's company.. but was afraid it wouldn't work out.. my question was... do you enjoy the interaction... the answer being yes...  My advice was.. then continue.. but don't have any expectations.. that way there will be no disappointment.. and there is a chance that good things will evolve from it..  I think that we all have expectations of others.. I have so many times just wanted to drop off of the planet.. and have no one expect anything from me.. I don't like having people to believe that I will somehow affect their future.. I don't want to be an effect on anyone's future.. I think people need to learn how to live their lives on their own.. and share parts they want to share.. not depending on others.  I have almost gotten to that point.. Does that mean I won't want someone in my life.. no.. it doesn't.. but the fact remains that bantering.. and friendship go a long way with me.. but if people expect things to change in my outlook.. I can promise nothing.. I am thankful for my friends.. for my job.. for my daughters.. and yes.. even for my spouse.. I've learned things from her.. and have grown.. she's not a bad person.. I just don't consider her a wife.. nor will I ever..

I noticed many visitors lately from all parts of the country.. and I welcome all  who want to read  my blog... but that being said.. understand that this is my thoughts.. how I feel.. what emotions I am going through... I have worked through the ending of a relationship that I thought was the best thing to ever happen to me.. I have dealt with the aftermath of the depression that followed.. I have lived through the death of my mother due to cancer.. and tackled the issues of my loneliness at home in my room.. in a house full of  people.. Everything I say here.. has a meaning for me.. and those that choose to read it, understand.. that I am not going to change my words for anyone.. if what I truly feel offends anyone in anyway... all I can say is.. deal with it...