I am just me.

So... my life is continuing along a certain path... and part of me wants to just abandon everything.. and just lock myself in my room.. throw away every piece of electronics I own.. and just wait until I'm old and grey before moving again.  I think I'd be much safer that way.  I blogged yesterday about how I thought something was unnerving me... and then I was called a liar and a manipulator... I don't understand it... no matter how I choose to disclose almost everything I think.. most everything I feel... it's still not enough for some people. I have had people in my life... that believe I would heal... and even though I've maintained that I only take each day as it comes... people must read more into that than there is... I am one of those people that have maintained that all I've wanted is friendship for so long.. and when people don't get more than that... they're ok.. or say they are.. and stay as my friends... or.. so I thought. so.. when they finally realize what I've told them all along.. is true... They get upset with me.. making me feel that maybe I have been lying.. maybe by keeping them as friends only in my life.. I give people hope for a future.. How do I be more honest than saying what's on my mind.. I don't want to hurt people.. not on purpose.. but unfortunately it happens.. and I've been called cold.. and heartless.. for speaking my mind.. for not returning another person's affections... for laying things out in a bluntly honest manner... I fight myself mentally so much of the time.. a conflict goes on inside my  mind.. I even think that someday I might even come out of my shell... I AM STILL in my tower.. I am still maintaining arms length from everyone.. will I always be that way?... I don't know.. but for the time being.. what I've said.. what I've maintained.. is still the truth. Being called a liar yesterday... upset me.. a lot... and I felt hammered over and over again.. I want to keep from leading people astray.. even unintentionally.. the thing is.. that most of my friends.. who know me... know that I am what I maintain.. but it only takes one person.. to shake my very beliefs in who I say I am.. it shouldn't.. I've had to regroup my thoughts lately.. and realize that I still am the same person I've always been.. I'm still going to follow my feelings.. I'm still going to be very cynical and untrusting... I have suffered another blow to being able to trust anyone... what they say.. what they do.. it's sometimes misleading.... and just because I am certain way.. doesn't mean I'll be someone I'm not.. for anyone. I am just me.

Comments

  1. AnonymousMarch 26, 2012 at 10:21 AM

    So tell me is the way you see life really truth or your perception of truth? When you use words such as always or never theses absolute statements are false before the ink is dry because if one person just one proves the statement wrong then it is false. One last closing question to ponder if someone called you a liar why does it p set you so if you truly are as truthful as you say you are? So you been hurt do you think you are the only one that has thought they had true love just to find the other person was just having a good time? The power is in overcoming that hurt and moving forward if you only believe in yourself then you may not “Heal” but if you trust in the one that can be trusted (God) then you may find healing the choice is yours .

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