I just can't think about healing.

Friday! ...This weekend my dad will be visiting again.. he still calls me every day from the gravesite.. He bought some sod and made her grave look better... I know it's hurting him.. and I can't really do anything to help. In my world.. I feel myself withdrawing again... I feel less able to trust what I think I know.. I suppose that maybe you really never do truly know anyone very well anyway. ..should I just accept it?  I have come to a conclusion.. if I ever decide to heal.. I won't keep it secret.. not for very long, anyway.. it leaves too much room to let doubt creep in.. I've witnessed enough deception and dishonesty to have more than a bit of a problem with that anyway. It's not like I would go all post happy as I did before.. but I would never hide a relationship.  Right now though.. I think it will be a long, long time before I'm ever at even considering that. I have friends I talk to.. I have people I am trying to trust.. but if I can't really trust anyone as close friends.. how can I trust someone to be more than that. I know that people are concerned.. and that's fine.. but.. I am not able to be in a relationship right now.. and I don't know when that day might ever come.. if it will. Anyone who thinks differently will be in for months and months of frustration. Why did I let myself get so screwed up?  I think that still comes from gambling my very soul on the wrong person... but that isn't the only thing that makes me like this.  I am suffering from years and years of accumulating bullshit. My last involvement was just the catalyst to give me my final push and bury my heart away from anyone and everyone. I still feel.. but the mountain of mistrustfulness that one must climb won't be worth it. I guess I will continue to mistrust... and it's not any one person's fault.  Those people that come into my life.. and can't deal with my nature now.. can just as easily leave it... I refuse to get heavily emotionally attached to anyone. I won't push anyone completely out of my life.. but my walls are now as thick as ever.. I just can't think about healing.

Comments

  1. Daisy Publications March 23, 2012 at 5:19 PM

    you will heal and your friends that care about you at every stage of your healing will help you or at least understand why you won't accept help but are here for you anyway.... *hugs*

    ReplyDelete

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