Under my Hat

So.. it looks like the people they were hiring won't be starting until later this month.. if at all.. we'll see. I guess I'll be working the overtime for awhile longer.  I don't know why.. but I look on that as bad news... I'm also having all kinds of problems with my phone.. the digitizer is going out on it.. so most of all I can do with it at the moment.. is answer calls... can't text.. or call out.. can't use my apps.. I've ordered a new digitizer, so it should be arriving later this week.. in the meantime, I will be cut off from people.  I suppose that is ok too, though... I don't have a whole lot to say to most people, anymore.. I have a few people in my life that will contact me.. as for the rest.. they chose to head down their respective paths.. away from mine..  I was invited yesterday to get out.. to just hang out for awhile and actually do something..  I use to love getting out.. and going places.. doing things.. but in the middle of BFE.. ...

Monday... the start of a brand new week.. it was such a short weekend. but I'm back to working as early as ever.  There is supposed to be a new-hire come in today... we'll see.. most people aren't going to pack everything up and move across country for a GS-5 position... too little pay for a major life change... but there are a few that do it anyway.  I suppose if I had no prospects for a job, I might do something similar... I am hoping that my tax refund comes today... I made $20k more last year than the previous year.. and yet it all still goes somewhere... it's not about money anyway... I'll never be rich unless I win a lottery.. I know that... I just hope to continue to be able to support my daughters. that's all I need, really. I got to spend some time with them this weekend.. a little anyway.. but they continue to do their own thing for the most part... and I'm ok with that.. I was told that I should start blogging in the evening.. instead of the mor...

Tried to sleep late this morning.. but was still up before sunrise.. just couldn't sleep... my body is used to getting up early now.. even though I hate mornings.. and want to sleep later.. I think there's a lot of things we would like to do.. but circumstances prevent it.. I know that many times I talk about us having control.. or no control over a situation.. but if you share my overall view.. I believe there is a universal plan in place... and many things are predestined.. sure.. we have some choice about a few minor things in our life.. but we can't seem to change our paths for the most part.. without disturbing our values... I believe it's when we go against our values... is when we cause the most problems in our life... I'm not even sure where I am going with this.. if anywhere.. I just type as I think most of the time... I haven't really been thinking about blogging anything in particular today..  I know that people will read it.. and think that I am as c...

Another Saturday.. and I'm heading to work.. or at least that's what I'm planning on.. here in just a bit.  It's not all that bad.. I just need to make certain that I don't burn myself out.  I can't seem to get very motivated to do a whole lot lately.. but work.. I have made that a centerpoint of my life.. it brings in money to support my family.. and gives my mind something to occupy itself. I still wonder how I came to be at the point I am in.. but I'm not revisiting the past.. by any means..  I took it upon myself to compose a list of people that I have known.. almost all online.. but a few offline.. that have been casual friends.. close friends.. and even more.. and have betrayed my trust.. either by cheating on someone else.. and lying to me about it.. or just lying to me... and I'm not talking about just spouses.. I'm talking about people they claim to love.. because you can't truly love someone.. and cheat on them.. not an intimate love.. ...

This blogging thing has gotten to be a daily routine for me.. I doubt I will ever miss a day.. even if it's just to say hi.. or something..  My right ring finger is bruised for no apparent reason.. it's also slightly swollen.. next to the fingernail.. I don't know what's going on with that.. but it's affecting my typing ability somewhat... I sat on center review boards yesterday... 5 of them.. 3.. we are giving students a chance to ship up or shape out.. the other 2.. just don't care.. and it's obvious.. we'll see what happens there. I wish I had time to take a vacation now.. I really feel the need for one.. but so close to my recent time off.. I'm so far behind as it is.. I know I need to save a bit for my leaving.. but I just haven't been able to.. I feel so hypocritical staying with my spouse.. but the world is full of hypocracy.. I felt hypocritical all the while I was "stepping out" with my spouse.. then claiming to be such a good ...

I got up this morning... and I missed my mom... just thinking about things.. leads me to thoughts of how things used to be.. but I can't live in the past..  I am somewhat tired from all the overtime work.. I should have 35 hours of overtime.. just this week alone.. I could even get more.. but I choose not to.. I don't want to suffer from exhaustion..  I think I've always been one to avoid circumstances where I know bad things will happen... I found out in  2008 that I had a slightly high sugar level... so I made it manageable with just the proper diet.. I don't eat much sugar.. and I make it a point to severely limit  my intake of processed sweets.. or desserts.. Do I still want them?.. of course.. it's like my thoughts on relationships.. I limit my intake of relationships... but do I still want one?.. yes.. I don't eat sweets because it could probably lead me to poking myself with a needle each day.. or even more often.. I have this unnatural fear of needles.. ...

Ok.. so.. I'm in training today.. well.. part of the day... I go to work.. for 2 hours.. then leave work.. and drive to training.. 45 min away.. then in training 6 hours.. back to my original location another 45 min drive.. then 4 - 6 hours back at work... it's going to be a long day. I've decided that I need to be thinking about what I really want to post in here.. everything I post.. seems to be interpreted as though I am wanting to be Data.. from the Star Trek- TNG..  in all reality.. when I brought up Spock.. and being Vulcan.. if you remember.. the emotions still existed within those people.. Data didn't have emotions.. and sometimes that might be better.. but I will have my emotions.. my thoughts.. my feelings.. I have them very strongly in fact... I just can't allow myself to follow.. or trust them. I am thinking that is what will cause the most pain.. I've too many times.. believed in what I was feeling.. and dove in head first.. not caring if there was ...

If you ever have a sore throat.. I recommend hot sauce.. the hotter the better.. yes.. it burns.. but it fixes the problem.. for awhile anyway.. I just wish I would have had "hot sauce" for my heart.. when I needed it.. maybe I wouldn't be so cynical now.. of course then I would set myself up for another fall... and another.. and another.. I know I'm not vulcan.. I know I'm not Spock... but he has the right idea.. don't let the emotions get the better of you... I suppose it would be even more difficult to keep everything bottled in... that would just set us up for a build up of emotions that would sooner or later.. snap.  Then what?   how would I handle that? I look for a time when I won't care about anyone.. when I can finally be the grumpy old man..  I just paused.. and took my morning bath... and now I am not so sleepy.. but that's only temporary.. the medication I am taking.. is making me slightly sleepy.. my throat is still somewhat sore.. but i...

Ok... so having a sore throat sucks pond scum through a straw... and yes.. it's THAT bad... I didn't do much on my one day off.. but it was a break from having to go in... Now.. this morning bright and early.. I'm back to work..  I was storming here last night.. and at one time.. I thought I heard a train.. so.. I'm thinking a tornado might have come close...  I remember lying there.. thinking.. I sorta hope this is it.. it made me realize that I don't have anything I really care about living for.. but then again.. I still will never take an active role in ending my existence.. I will continue to wake up.. do what I'm supposed to do.. for some reason.. I am not even certain of why anymore.. but I have no thoughts of quitting.. just thoughts of peace at last... it's very difficult to go on at times.. knowing that I can hurt.. and be hurt.. I want to just exist.. I have no desires for my future anymore.. I just feel that each day is just slightly different.. b...

We all have this take on intimacy.. and what it means to them.. and I think for everyone.. intimacy can be in many different forms.. as far as physical intimacy.. I really don't see that being a part of my life in the future.. it's not because I don't want it.. but because the amount I have to open up myself for that.. is too great a risk.  I believe that people can be intimate...without having to touch.. but again.. I don't see how I can do that.. and give false indicators that I might be ready for a relationship as more than friends.. I have in the past.. on one occasion.. been physically intimate without taking the time to assure myself there was something more there.. and I knew her feelings were somewhere else.. it is something that still haunts me.. that I may have succumbed to the cravings of my body.. and afterwards.. I was so conflicted.. it didn't matter much.. because she was with someone else very shortly afterwards..  I invite people into my world.. so ...

I am thinking that I don't know much about people.. but then people don't know much about me.. Let's say that you live 15 minutes from work.. but you must take an unsafe route.. over an old bridge..  otherwise.. you have to use a road.. that route is 2 hours from work.. well.. hesitantly.. over time.. you're going to try to unsafe path.. after so long you get used to it being ok.. then one day.. someone sideswipes your vehicle over the narrow old bridge... ok.. so it happened.. but it's just once.. still it puts it in your mind to be cautious.. then things go along nicely for awhile.. then a few weeks later.. someone sideswipes your vehicle again.. now.. you're hesitant to travel this bridge.. so you might stop for awhile... but the discomfort of the extra effort leads you to believe that maybe it won't happen again.. and it's a whole 2 hours... so.. you try it again..and no problems for awhile.... then after a bit.. someone plows into you on the bridge....

I have things going on in my life.. that I overlook.. I actually overlook a lot. ...I'm certain that anyone reading my blog will think that I'm somewhat self-absorbed... and self-pitying.. This blog is ...as I've said before... an avenue to get out of my head.. what I want to say.. so that I can think about it.  I still miss her as much now as I ever did.. but I am strong enough now.. at least at the moment.. to know and accept that what I miss.. couldn't have existed as it did in my mind... I would never open myself up to her again.. am I hurt? ...of course.. but that doesn't mean I will harbor any ill will.   I have people in my life that support me.. even though I don't .. and won't trust anyone completely.. I appreciate the support.. for as long as they're willing to give it. I am having to go in early every day now.. so my blogs will possibly be short.. I try to get a couple of things done.. so 4:45 isn't quite getting it.. I might have to start...

Well.. it's back to the overtime... I'm up at 4:30 this morning.. after working until nearly 9 last night... The manager says he wants me to work every day.. and Sat. too... but I can't quite do that.. so.. I'm working 4 days a week.. over... but going in early every day.. so .. a compromise.   Life is about compromises, I suppose.  we rarely get the things we want.. most of the time we have to be satisfied with what is reasonable.. I know that many times to my friends.. I appear.. unreasonable.. that's ok.. I don't have to change my attitude.. but for a few minutes every once in awhile.. I will lower my negativity long enough to give a smile or two... Does that mean my thoughts are any different?... no.. that's what I have to keep stressing to the ones that desire my attitude to change... for me to "heal" ...I don't want to heal.. I don't want to be "better" ...yes... I'm not exactly a happy person... I'm ok with that.. r...

I've been told.. that the real me is hidden deep within.. that I am putting on a facade for those around me.. to protect myself.  who knows?  Maybe I am someone I don't even know.  My problem is.. that I don't have the desire.. or motivation to be anything differently than I am... maybe I have mental problems.. those that do, rarely ever know it.  I tend to focus on me lately.. I'm this.. I'm that.. and I somewhat overlook my friends... That's why I say I'm not a good friend.  I could be like the big firey head in The Wizard of Oz... with the little man inside the curtain... partially showing what I want to show... or the lion... not having the courage to face life and some of the happiness it has to offer... or maybe I'm the tin man.. who feels like he doesn't have the heart to love anyone... I suppose a part of me is like the scarecrow.. not having the brains to see things in front of me.. and of course.. there's Dorothy... I don't feel lik...

Another Monday morning... only it's on a Tuesday this week.. which could make the week somewhat better.. I was off yesterday because of the government holiday.. I was supposed to get a lot done.. and have it done for today.. but I never felt motivated to do it.. I'm not really motivated to do a whole lot anymore.  What's the point.. really.. I can try and beat my head against the wall. ...I can earn a few extra dollars here and there.. but I'm still going to run out of money... because my family spends it as quickly as I can make it.. I made almost 30k more this past year.. than the year before.. and I don't have anything more to show for it... I know I'm not living much more extravagantly than I was.. I don't spend very much on anyone.. so.. where does it all go?  I'll have to start keeping track of my money a bit better.. I had a dream ...or maybe I posted on here.. that I started a separate account to keep some extra money in.. I will start doing that...

I spent the night at Dad's again last night... it doesn't really matter what bed I sleep in anymore.. they're all strange to me.. even my own bed.. my sleep last night.. wasn't broken.. but I didn't get to sleep until very late.. I try to be a good person.. but it seems as though I still hurt people with the way that I am.. I guess it is the Gemini (dual persona) coming out in me.. but now.. I have a dark side.. and a mediocre side.. I don't have much of a bright side anymore.. I used to be happy with myself.. to a decent degree.. but now I find that I don't even like myself anymore.. I don't mind not liking myself.. my spirit is broken.. I know that.  Now I just exist for the purpose of existing.. I still plan on leaving my family.. not because I have to prove anything to anyone... but because I hate living the lie of being in my marriage. It bothers me to let anyone close to me.. I can't do that.. and maintain a safe place in my life.  I still have...

I've been reading back on my blogs.. for the last little bit.. and I see that a lot of it.. is the same thing.. over and over.. I apologize about that.. I almost never blog about anything but what I'm feeling.. and I rarely take time to read it over.. and I never change anything as I type it.  ...so as my life is so dark.. as my feelings are so cynical.. it's what I blog about. I have a few friends who try to get me to change my outlook.. but I really don't see me ever changing.. and then sooner or later.. they'll leave.. even though they keep saying they won't.. 2 - 3 years down the road.. they'll realize that my heart is almost gone.. that my outlook can't improve.. and then what... it will just be more devastating on them than what they realize... I just can't pretend to be something.. or believe in something.. in order to make people feel better... I do a bit of that with my daughters.. but I involve myself in my game.. to escape reality.. someti...

Still cold.. snow on the ground.. I am still waking up.. and facing each day... I have found it a little difficult to sleep lately.. it's like I wake up and just lie awake.. sometimes I just sleep a couple of hours.. but even when I sleep all night.. it's still broken sleep.. it's like I'm restless.. like my whole life is restless.. I don't know what to believe in anymore.. I don't even believe in myself.. I mean.. I know what things appear to be.. but what are they really.. and can any of us answer that question?  ...how many times have you thought something to be a certain way.. only to find out that you were completely off base... even at the time.. you were soooo sure about things.. it just goes to show that no matter what we believe in.. no matter how adamant we are that this is the way things are.. we could be wrong.. or things could change.. or a revelation can occur.. and everything you thought was real... everything you thought was... isn't.. I don...

Friday..  icy here.. no school today for the kids.. and I'm still off work.  I have been up several hours now.. just can't sleep.. I know I'll pay for it later if I don't try to grab a nap.. it's just one of those nights when the lonesome bed seems more than I can bear. I should be used to it by now... it's been that way for over 14 years now.. and I don't know how much longer it will be that way. It would be so nice to have someone in my life that I lived with.. that would share the space next to me.. even to just cuddle occasionally.. but right now.. my room almost feels as cold as the ice outside.  I sometimes worry that maybe I'm just looking for companionship because I'm so alone..and I am not sure that's fair to anyone. That's one reason I push away... because for as much as I'm uncertain about others.. I'm still uncertain about myself. I worry that I will use someone and I know how much it hurts to be used.. just to fill a void...

We all have different perceptions of the way that things are.. and no matter what we want them to be.. it's reality that we have to deal with. We talk ourselves into believing things exist.. or are a certain way.. because we use those perceptions to cope with our lives.. The world is a cold and lonely place.. and we tend to interact with others to fill certain voids or empty places in our world.. My world has become a cold.. and dark place.. with an occasional flickering candle permeating the darkness.  I think that most everyone has realized that about me by now.. and those that haven't.. will figure it out sooner or later.  I think of nothing bright for a long-term future anymore.. I continue to tread along my narrow dimly lit path.. gathering strength for the next obsticle thrown in my path.. I don't see a need to seek out anything to comfort my life anymore.. I am getting used to the darkness.. it's calm and peaceful.  If I continue to choose to shut people out.. I ...

The morning is going by in slow motion... Dad wanted to talk earlier.. he is going through his clothes.. and my mom's clothes.. wanting me to find someone who can use them.. he doesn't want them to be sold.. like at a salvation army thrift store.. or goodwill.. he wants someone who will use them. He is trying to get rid of some of the reminders already... I think that might be a good thing.. but I will hang on to them.. in case he wants them back.. I will find a place somewhere..  He is out running errands.. I think he needs to try to get back as close as he can to his normal routine.  What is normal?  ...I am the last person to be able to talk about something being normal.. my life is a whirlwind of confusion and devastation.. For my part.. I have open cuts in my soul.. and each day just rubs salt in them.  I think of other ways that my life can be.. and then realize that I don't.. and won't have that type of life.. not the life I want.. there are too many things ...

Well.. I stood yesterday for hours.. as the line of people continuously poured in to pay their respects.. the line stretched out of the room for most of the time.. and I know there couldn't have been a parking place. I don't know how many people will show up for the funeral today... but I'm certain it will be a lot. In all the time I've known my mother.. I can't think of anyone she's ever said anything bad about.. and that's saying something.. because we all say things about other people.. whether they deserve it or not.. Right now.. it's almost like I'm living in a dream world.. and will wake up.. it will be hard getting used to not seeing my mom. ...but I am glad she's out of her pain.. in some ways.. she's the lucky one... and even though it's selfish... I wish it were me instead. There is so much we take for granted. I look at my life and realize that I'm somewhat selfish. I want things... and then I whine and complain when they d...

It's strange... being here in my old room.. at home.. they even put a computer in here.. it seems so different here now.. so cold.. dad is trying to hold up... but I can tell at times.. it's overwhelming for him.. They knew each other for so long.. years ago.. they met in a one room schoolhouse.. my mom was in first grade.. and she broke her crayon.. and was so upset.. that they thought they were going to have to call her parents.. my dad was in 5th grade.. in the same room.. and he went to her and gave her his crayon.. and they have known each other since.. it's amazing how some people meet.. and they just know.. I think about my life.. and my spouse.. and yes.. I'd miss her if she died.. I'd be sad.. as I would at the passing of anyone I've spent time with.. but it wouldn't be that hard on me.  of course I've only been around her 17 years... and most of that has been distant. I want to be able to believe in love..  and when I look at my parents.. I can...

I am back home.. until this evening.. I will be going to spend the night with dad.. tonight and tomorrow night.. he can't stay in his house alone... I'm sure it will be painful for him.. for the most part.. I have made my peace with the whole situation.. I don't think I can say I'm not sad.. but the part that bothers me the most.. is that even as badly as this hurt.. my mom leaving.. it's not near the pain I felt a few months ago.. she hurt me worse than anything I ever imagined possible.. she caused me to redefine my thoughts on almost everything... to doubt the existence of love.. and I still do doubt it.. almost 5 months later.. and I still feel the same way.. I won't heal from what I went through then.. ever.. I am positive of that now.. it's almost unfair of me to act as though I might be... even with what is going on for my mom.. part of my pain is still for my loss then... the pain from my mom passing is new.. and I can see me recovering from that.. b...

Sitting here... in front of mom..  her body grunts as it tries to exhale air from her lungs... all I can do is wait... we all sit and wait.. we think her kidneys shut down.. as she her bag has been completely empty for more than 36 hours now... dad is crying... I've never seen him cry..  she has been unresponsive since about midnight. They had taken her off the monitors yesterday... but today... they put her back on... just to try to measure her discomfort since she no longer talks to us. It is so difficult to see her like this... everyone takes their turn at crying.. this crying isn't for her eventual passing... but for not knowing what pain she might be in... for not being able to do anything about it.. for being so helpless... unable to do anything for the woman who brought us into this world... we have all put our regular lives on hold... her breathing has become irregular.. we know it is almost time for her to leave this world.. I and my two sisters are here... my sisters...

It is very difficult to sit and watch someone die.. but... as with everything and everyone else.. people seem to evacuate... leaving an empty hole in your life. I have a few people I can depend on for emotional support... but when it comes down to it.. no one has much control over anything. We choose to try.. and struggle against the tides of adversity in our life... but in the end things are going to happen anyway... no matter how much we work to create a better world for ourselves. I thought I was cried out... I was wrong... there's still a lot of tears left in me... I am not certain where my "breaking point" is.. but I have to be close.  I reach out.. out of necessity... but I find it harder and harder to trust anything... or anyone.. and this goes to show... no matter what or who you believe in.. it is always possible to be disappointed.  I can't handle any more disappointments.  I am trying to deal with things in a more positive light.. but every time I do, I get...

Hospitals are so uncomfortable... I have been dozing off and on for the last 2 hours... but as usual.. I'm up before 5.. I slept in this chair.. I can't leave my mom now... she has lumps that have spread to different parts of her body... the cancer is too aggressive... and it looks as though she is very far along now... it is so difficult for me to look into the eyes of this woman who had always been so strong... and see her in this weakened condition ...I don't know how long I will be staying here.. but I can't leave her.. not with her so sick... I can see the pain in her eyes... and it is tearing me apart inside. I will continue to pray .. but my prayers now are mainly for her to find peace... I was wrong again.. I suppose I was able to take more emotional pain... I am so tired... and yet I can't rest... I don't know what to do..  I've already realized that this woman I care about so much... will not be with me much longer ...I will always keep her in my h...

I'm sitting in the hospital ... my mom is ICU... she is in the worst shape I've ever seen.. dad is beside himself with worry... I saw him kiss my mom for the first time ever.  He rarely shows affection.. I guess we all have our limits to put us out of character. I got a call earlier that she wanted to see me.. so I called in work and told them I wouldn't be in tomorrow.. gathered up my spouse and daughters.. and 2 hours later.. I'm at vanderbuilt hospital.  They all slept on the way down... my mom told me that she didn't want to be put on life support.. she has a button for pain... she's on her way downhill.. I would love to see her recover.. but I have my doubts.. at least she knows I was here.. her bp is bottoming out... and it doesn't look good.. I would do anything to give her a longer time.. but she has so many tubes in her... and is in such pain.. it might be best for her to go..  she even says she is ready to go... I will miss her... but it is like ev...

People are going to do what they they set their mind to.. no matter what.. I think that a lot of problems occur when people feel like they are being controlled.. no one likes to have their life controlled by other people. I know I don't.. I still resent when I feel like my dad is trying to tell me what I need to do.. I want to have some say so in my own life.. no matter what age.. I've felt like this since I was younger.. and yes.. looking back.. I might not have always made the right decisions.. but they were my mistakes to make.. part of us doing a good job as parents.. is to be there for support.. even when our children fail.. We just have to hope that the mistakes they make won't be life changing.. but even if they are.. we can only offer our support.. otherwise it turns into a power struggle.. I don't ever want my children to think that I won't be there for them.. because I will.. to the best of my ability.. but as they grow older.. I want them to learn to supp...

Check out this great MSN video - Season 1 - Episode 1: Wake-Up Call This is pretty much my life now.. my game.. so many similarities.. I can relate with a lot.. you can watch all the episodes at http://www.watchtheguild.com ....start with season 1.. here is episode one.. linked above.. hope you all enjoy.

I overslept.. first time in a long time.. not certain why my alarm didn't go off.. of course I have been waking up before my alarm for months now.. so I am not even certain it still works. I am in such a funk now.. even moreso than usual.  I feel like my life is just carrying me along.. letting me watch it unfold.. and I'm powerless to stop the crap as it keeps getting flung at me.  Maybe I am at fault.. maybe I'm causing all this to happen to me. I wish I knew what to do to stop it.. if I am.. It seems as though most of the bright spots in my life are overshadowed by things that give me pain.. or torment me to a certain extent. I suppose that things work out the way they are supposed to.. I just wish I could see WHY? .... and it's not just one thing.. it's almost EVERYTHING.. it seems like fate is trying to kick me while I'm down.. I don't know how much more I can take.. I feel the pressure build up inside of me.. I just want to explode and get it all over ...

It's rare that I post more than once in a day.. but I just had to vent.. life is so unfair.. but I suppose I should have expected it by now.. I'm not going on my trip.. at least not to where I had intended.. now I will be going to Nashville.. because my mom is in serious shape.. they put her in ICU.. for awhile it was "minute by minute" ..that's all I could get out of my sister.. I wanted to go be with her.. but I knew she would feel worse by thinking that she was taking me away from work.. that's the way mom is.. she finally was able to talk for about 30 seconds this afternoon.. on the phone.. and told me that she wanted to see me this weekend.. so I cancelled all plans.. for better or worse.. I will do all in my power to make her last wishes come true.. I know her time is limited.. I am glad that my friend understands.. but it's still a major issue to cancel all plans at the last minute.. I'm not certain what the future holds.. but I'm sooooooo f...

I can't help but think of how I got here.. how life has chucked so many things at me lately.. and my best friend at the time.. pretty much abandoned me.. I suppose that was because I placed my trust in the wrong person... I thought up until that point that I was a great judge of character.. I suppose that is why I'm so mistrusting now.. not only of other people.. but of my feelings toward them. I am not shutting everyone out of my life.. but if they choose not to be a part of it.. then it's their choice.. I guess I just moved all my contact stuff as a test.. to see how many actually cared enough to follow me.. is it wrong to test friendship?  ...we do it every day in the things we say and do.. I have a few people that seem to want to be a part of my life now.. and I'm thankful for them.. each and every one of them.. but I have to keep making certain that I don't lead people on.. that they don't think of me as a "player".. that's the one thing I rea...

Another morning... not certain whether I will be working today.. but as of now.. I'm not scheduled.. so.. I lay in bed thinking about things.. which lately... isn't a good thing..  Even though I've already broken my New Year's resolution.. I made up for it this morning.. doing 40 situps.. still.. it's a broken "promise" ...I think life is a series of broken promises.. whatever happened to the old-fashioned values that we are only as good as our word.. yeah.. I know.. it's only a New Year's resolution.. but it only takes slipping on one thing.. that leads to another.. then another.. then we become complacent.. it's like a lot of things in our lives.. most of us have dealt with things being a certain way for so long.. we are used to it.. even though years ago.. we would have never lived like we do now... we make compromises over the years.. like a story I heard yesterday.. about someone who is waiting over a week to talk to someone.. because it...

It's a new year... some seem to think it may be our last.. that the world will end this year..  The world as I knew it ended last year.. at least was majorly devastated.. now.. I feel like an apocalyptic survivor.. trying to make it through each day... it seems as though there is a lot of rebuilding to do.. I just don't have the strength to do it.  So.. a new year.. new resolutions.. new plans.. new goals..  well... I'm not going to fall into that trap this year.. I make resolutions each year just to be broken.. I thought about making a resolutions ... that I wouldn't make resolutions.. but then I would have already broken it. Ok.. I have one thing I want to do.. but I am making something ridiculously easy.. I resolve to do (at least) 25 situps each day.  That should be enough to get me started on the road to a bit more fitness. I suppose I will sit around all day.. again.. not doing anything constructive.  People seem to think that goals are so important.....