I hope he can find peace.

It's strange... being here in my old room.. at home.. they even put a computer in here.. it seems so different here now.. so cold.. dad is trying to hold up... but I can tell at times.. it's overwhelming for him.. They knew each other for so long.. years ago.. they met in a one room schoolhouse.. my mom was in first grade.. and she broke her crayon.. and was so upset.. that they thought they were going to have to call her parents.. my dad was in 5th grade.. in the same room.. and he went to her and gave her his crayon.. and they have known each other since.. it's amazing how some people meet.. and they just know.. I think about my life.. and my spouse.. and yes.. I'd miss her if she died.. I'd be sad.. as I would at the passing of anyone I've spent time with.. but it wouldn't be that hard on me.  of course I've only been around her 17 years... and most of that has been distant. I want to be able to believe in love..  and when I look at my parents.. I can see something that I don't think I will be able to feel.. I have too much conflict inside me.. I am still finding it hard to make it through some days.. Dad wants me to go shopping with him today... he wants to buy a jacket for the funeral.. he says that he knows she wouldn't care what he wore.. but he just wants to look nice for her...  I just have this feeling that he won't make it very long without her...  I know he's not in the best of health.. but his spirit is broken..  I understand that.. not wanting to go on.. but going through the motions.. I think a lot of  us have been there.. but not as intense as what he feels.. even though sometimes I think I can't be more down.. I know there is always room to go lower... My dad sleeps so restlessly... I don't know what the future holds for him.. and although I know I will never find it.. I hope he can find peace.

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