Dying slowly... as we all do.
Well.. I stood yesterday for hours.. as the line of people continuously poured in to pay their respects.. the line stretched out of the room for most of the time.. and I know there couldn't have been a parking place. I don't know how many people will show up for the funeral today... but I'm certain it will be a lot. In all the time I've known my mother.. I can't think of anyone she's ever said anything bad about.. and that's saying something.. because we all say things about other people.. whether they deserve it or not.. Right now.. it's almost like I'm living in a dream world.. and will wake up.. it will be hard getting used to not seeing my mom. ...but I am glad she's out of her pain.. in some ways.. she's the lucky one... and even though it's selfish... I wish it were me instead. There is so much we take for granted. I look at my life and realize that I'm somewhat selfish. I want things... and then I whine and complain when they don't happen. I've spent much of my life just doing for other people.. and I think that entitles me to special treatment or something.. it doesn't.. we are all just here on this earth for a short while.. and life keeps passing us by. There are a lot of things I would like to do.. but don't have the means to do them.
Yesterday, I went with Dad to a larger town to try to find a light jacket.. and a nice jacket for the funeral. He doesn't want to admit that his pants are larger in the waist than he says.. he kept saying that the cut was wrong.. because he wears them underneath the belly he has developed.. they sag a bit.. I did finally go to a place in the mall where I know the guy a little.. and while Dad was trying on something.. I explained our situation.. this gentleman did a great job of not telling what size things were... and the sizes weren't labelled.. he just said.. the cut looked appropriate.. and Dad ended up buying a whole suit. I think there are a lot of things we just choose not to admit to ourselves. I don't want people to have to make up a false truth in order to be able to talk with me... I would much prefer people to be completely open and honest from the beginning.. but then they are afraid of how I would react. ...I understand that feelings change.. I understand that things sometimes aren't as they appear.. and I would much prefer a person tell me they are no longer interested in me.. than to make up excuses as to why they aren't talking with me anymore.. I will say this.. I have been so pre-occupied with the events of the last few days.. that I haven't been dwelling much on the crap I've been dealing with over the past few years.. I even slept in the same bed as my spouse.. it was necessary in the hotel room.. luckily we were in a king sized bed.. and I had gone almost 2 days without sleep... I crashed.. and stayed on my side... wayyyy over on my side of the bed.. ...and was dressed.. it was unnerving to be in the same bed with her.. when I woke up.. after sleeping 10 hour straight.. I immediately I rolled out of bed and took a shower.. I don't plan on doing that again.. being in the same bed.. ever... I was told that I must of had bad dreams.. because I cried a lot in my sleep.. I don't remember what I dreamed about.. Now that I am here at my Dad's house.. I have my own room again.. and all is ok. I might still cry in my sleep.. as most of my dreams for the past 4 or 5 months are usually dark. They all run together.. but my life seems as though it's in a dark place right now.. I'm not looking to get out of it really.. I just accept things as they are.. I'm ok with the pain.. it's made me numb a bit for dealing with the loss of my mother.. I feel that there are some other people in my life that are about to go through some harder times.. don't ask me to explain.. because I don't know.. I just feel it.. and I don't know who.. I hate having these "premonitions" ..because they generally wind up being correct. ...at least in part. I hope whatever it is.. that it isn't too overwhelming.. and that they can adjust as I have.. or even better.. I'm ok with where I am.. I'm not seeking to leave my dark zone.. at least here, I don't have to worry about getting destroyed.. at least not quickly.. I will continue dying slowly.. as we all do.
Yesterday, I went with Dad to a larger town to try to find a light jacket.. and a nice jacket for the funeral. He doesn't want to admit that his pants are larger in the waist than he says.. he kept saying that the cut was wrong.. because he wears them underneath the belly he has developed.. they sag a bit.. I did finally go to a place in the mall where I know the guy a little.. and while Dad was trying on something.. I explained our situation.. this gentleman did a great job of not telling what size things were... and the sizes weren't labelled.. he just said.. the cut looked appropriate.. and Dad ended up buying a whole suit. I think there are a lot of things we just choose not to admit to ourselves. I don't want people to have to make up a false truth in order to be able to talk with me... I would much prefer people to be completely open and honest from the beginning.. but then they are afraid of how I would react. ...I understand that feelings change.. I understand that things sometimes aren't as they appear.. and I would much prefer a person tell me they are no longer interested in me.. than to make up excuses as to why they aren't talking with me anymore.. I will say this.. I have been so pre-occupied with the events of the last few days.. that I haven't been dwelling much on the crap I've been dealing with over the past few years.. I even slept in the same bed as my spouse.. it was necessary in the hotel room.. luckily we were in a king sized bed.. and I had gone almost 2 days without sleep... I crashed.. and stayed on my side... wayyyy over on my side of the bed.. ...and was dressed.. it was unnerving to be in the same bed with her.. when I woke up.. after sleeping 10 hour straight.. I immediately I rolled out of bed and took a shower.. I don't plan on doing that again.. being in the same bed.. ever... I was told that I must of had bad dreams.. because I cried a lot in my sleep.. I don't remember what I dreamed about.. Now that I am here at my Dad's house.. I have my own room again.. and all is ok. I might still cry in my sleep.. as most of my dreams for the past 4 or 5 months are usually dark. They all run together.. but my life seems as though it's in a dark place right now.. I'm not looking to get out of it really.. I just accept things as they are.. I'm ok with the pain.. it's made me numb a bit for dealing with the loss of my mother.. I feel that there are some other people in my life that are about to go through some harder times.. don't ask me to explain.. because I don't know.. I just feel it.. and I don't know who.. I hate having these "premonitions" ..because they generally wind up being correct. ...at least in part. I hope whatever it is.. that it isn't too overwhelming.. and that they can adjust as I have.. or even better.. I'm ok with where I am.. I'm not seeking to leave my dark zone.. at least here, I don't have to worry about getting destroyed.. at least not quickly.. I will continue dying slowly.. as we all do.
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