This is the real me.

I spent the night at Dad's again last night... it doesn't really matter what bed I sleep in anymore.. they're all strange to me.. even my own bed.. my sleep last night.. wasn't broken.. but I didn't get to sleep until very late.. I try to be a good person.. but it seems as though I still hurt people with the way that I am.. I guess it is the Gemini (dual persona) coming out in me.. but now.. I have a dark side.. and a mediocre side.. I don't have much of a bright side anymore.. I used to be happy with myself.. to a decent degree.. but now I find that I don't even like myself anymore.. I don't mind not liking myself.. my spirit is broken.. I know that.  Now I just exist for the purpose of existing.. I still plan on leaving my family.. not because I have to prove anything to anyone... but because I hate living the lie of being in my marriage. It bothers me to let anyone close to me.. I can't do that.. and maintain a safe place in my life.  I still have no idea what the future holds for me.. but I refuse to talk about it anymore. I pushed someone away... and will continue to push... because that's who I am now. I'm not the same person I was 18 months ago.. that person was optimistic.. somewhat fun.. and believed in the type of love that lasted.. that shined above all else.  I sort of still believe that it exists.. but I refuse to believe that it will be a part of my life.  So.. where will I be in 3 years?   I don't know.. and as I believe now.. probably friendless... or only with superficial friends... the kind that say "hi" every once in awhile.. and ask how things are going.  I am not a good friend.. and unless I change that.. I will drive away everyone out of my life.  Sometimes I think that is for the best.. it will cause a lot less pain in the long run.. I sometimes think that people look at me.. and see things about me that just don't exist... that people want to believe I am a better person than I actually am.. I'm not a good person.. I'm not a good friend.. I'm just me.. it's all I can be right now.. Yes.. I push people away.. and I will continue to push people away.. I've maintained that since the beginning.. or at least for the past several months.. I can't be any other way now.. This is the real me.

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