Under my hat.

I've been reading back on my blogs.. for the last little bit.. and I see that a lot of it.. is the same thing.. over and over.. I apologize about that.. I almost never blog about anything but what I'm feeling.. and I rarely take time to read it over.. and I never change anything as I type it.  ...so as my life is so dark.. as my feelings are so cynical.. it's what I blog about. I have a few friends who try to get me to change my outlook.. but I really don't see me ever changing.. and then sooner or later.. they'll leave.. even though they keep saying they won't.. 2 - 3 years down the road.. they'll realize that my heart is almost gone.. that my outlook can't improve.. and then what... it will just be more devastating on them than what they realize... I just can't pretend to be something.. or believe in something.. in order to make people feel better... I do a bit of that with my daughters.. but I involve myself in my game.. to escape reality.. sometimes I  do a few things with my daughters.. and show them that I still can be a part of their life... but it gets more and more difficult to really even care about anything, anymore.. maybe my blog isn't such a good idea.. it gets all those dark feelings out into the open.. I thought by doing that.. I could come to address them.. and deal with them... but the more I think about things.. and what I blog.. the more I realize that what I blog about.. what I'm feeling.. is justified in my mind.. it's a logical progression of every friendship... or relationship that I've ever been in. I have hurt people several times with what I blog about.. I know that... but I won't quit typing what I am feeling.. I can try to occasionally blog about something else.. but I won't be superficial.. I won't just blog about the weather.. and the latest song.. etc.   This blog is still an extension of the ideas that are floating around in my head.. most of everything I write.. never gets censored.. I apologize to the people that are hurt by it.. but I won't stop.. it's what's .. under my hat.

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