I am ok with just being ok..

If you ever have a sore throat.. I recommend hot sauce.. the hotter the better.. yes.. it burns.. but it fixes the problem.. for awhile anyway.. I just wish I would have had "hot sauce" for my heart.. when I needed it.. maybe I wouldn't be so cynical now.. of course then I would set myself up for another fall... and another.. and another.. I know I'm not vulcan.. I know I'm not Spock... but he has the right idea.. don't let the emotions get the better of you... I suppose it would be even more difficult to keep everything bottled in... that would just set us up for a build up of emotions that would sooner or later.. snap.  Then what?   how would I handle that? I look for a time when I won't care about anyone.. when I can finally be the grumpy old man.. 

I just paused.. and took my morning bath... and now I am not so sleepy.. but that's only temporary.. the medication I am taking.. is making me slightly sleepy.. my throat is still somewhat sore.. but it will pass.. I suppose if I didn't take anything.. and only ate things that irritated it.. it would never heal.. or lead into more complications.. it's like that with all hurts... we can continue to dwell on things.. or we can forget about them.. and let them pass.. only to become a memory.... a bad memory..  I'm not going to do that.. I am not going to forget.. I'm not going to just let things go... I'm stubborn like that.  We have to watch who we let into our lives.. and be careful not to allow people access to something we can't live without.. or that would be difficult.. My heart is still in pieces.. still refusing to allow any emotion stronger than friendship to reside within me.. it's not really painful now.. I've grown accustomed to it.. and I will continue to live this way... I'm actually ok with it.. I'm not sad.. it may seem by my posts that I am.. but sad isn't really the word for it.. just ...not happy.. I've adjusted to my situation.. I will still fix my home situation.. but I am not in a hurry to do it.. why would I be.. I am not really moving on with my life.. I would just be moving to another room.  Yes.. it bothers me to live a lie to those people who look at me each day.. and see a happily married man.. that's really the only reason for me to leave.. I don't really ever plan on changing my current attitude.. even if I start to feel something.. I will never allow myself to pursue it.. I know that a lot of my friends still feel that there is something out there for them.. and I truly hope they find it.. and when they do.. I will hug them.. and tell them goodbye.. no remorse.. for the time we shared.. because I truly can't think of anything to be remorseful for. People will continue to come in.. and go out of my life.. for as long as I live.. and that's their perrogative.. People who stay in my life.. for any length of time.. are welcome to be a part of it.. as long as they know that I'm going to continue to be me.. I don't have room in my heart for more than myself now.  ...they say that time heals all wounds.. I won't let it heal this one... I am ok with just being ok...

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