Sleep until things were better..

Friday..  icy here.. no school today for the kids.. and I'm still off work.  I have been up several hours now.. just can't sleep.. I know I'll pay for it later if I don't try to grab a nap.. it's just one of those nights when the lonesome bed seems more than I can bear. I should be used to it by now... it's been that way for over 14 years now.. and I don't know how much longer it will be that way. It would be so nice to have someone in my life that I lived with.. that would share the space next to me.. even to just cuddle occasionally.. but right now.. my room almost feels as cold as the ice outside.  I sometimes worry that maybe I'm just looking for companionship because I'm so alone..and I am not sure that's fair to anyone. That's one reason I push away... because for as much as I'm uncertain about others.. I'm still uncertain about myself. I worry that I will use someone and I know how much it hurts to be used.. just to fill a void. I won't do that.. but in a sense.. I suppose we all use... and get used.. it's just the feelings that accompany it.. are they real.. are they temporary... what if they go away.. I like to believe that strong feelings are more than just a passing fad. ...but in every relationship I've ever been in.. they have faded.. at least on the part of the person I was with... I'm certain the only reason my spouse stuck with me for so long.. was because I have been a meal ticket.. that and the fact that there is a legal paper that makes it much harder for either of us to walk away. I want something normal.. no.. actually I want something special.. I just don't believe in it anymore.. People get fooled all the time into believing into something.. that they want to believe exists.. and very rarely.. does anything lasting come from it.. My dad and mom.. they had something they stuck with.. I remember as a young child.. how they faught.. and argued.. and I was certain one of them.. would leave.. but they worked through it... evidently they had something that could overcome the hard times.. of course neither of them believe in divorce.. even if you are unhappy.. and I know at times they were very unhappy. I haven't been truly happy in a long, long time.. I can't get my dad to understand that.. My spouse does.. and I really don't know that she has been happy either.. I think .. content might be a better word.. she's ok with the way things are.. I don't know why.. but I just can't see how.. we have nothing lasting.. except a friendship.. and I think that's because we are so used to each other.. and know each other fairly well.. at least on the surface.. but there's a lot I can't share with her.. just as I found she can't share with me. I don't know how to deal with it sometimes...  I've suddenly gotten very tired... I've been up for about 3 hours now.. and it's after 4 am.. I wish I could just go to sleep and sleep until things were better..