I'm already totalled.

I am thinking that I don't know much about people.. but then people don't know much about me.. Let's say that you live 15 minutes from work.. but you must take an unsafe route.. over an old bridge..  otherwise.. you have to use a road.. that route is 2 hours from work.. well.. hesitantly.. over time.. you're going to try to unsafe path.. after so long you get used to it being ok.. then one day.. someone sideswipes your vehicle over the narrow old bridge... ok.. so it happened.. but it's just once.. still it puts it in your mind to be cautious.. then things go along nicely for awhile.. then a few weeks later.. someone sideswipes your vehicle again.. now.. you're hesitant to travel this bridge.. so you might stop for awhile... but the discomfort of the extra effort leads you to believe that maybe it won't happen again.. and it's a whole 2 hours... so.. you try it again..and no problems for awhile.... then after a bit.. someone plows into you on the bridge... now you're thinking that this is not a good thing.. that it causes you even more problems.. so you stop... and after a long while of the 2 hour route.. you talk yourself into using the bridge again.. and all is great... for awhile.. then BAM!... your car is totalled...   well.. the route in relationships I have taken... my car is totalled.. I'm severely damaged now.. and just trying to make it each day... I have people in my life.. I trust.. to an extent.. and they trust me.. but why?... they trusted people before me.. they KNEW it was ok.. after all they've seen.. after all they've been through.. they just knew that this person wouldn't lie.. but... what if.... what if I'm lying.. what if I've been lying all along to everyone about everything.. I'm not.. but there's no way anyone would know that.. anymore than they knew about others before.. I know.. because I live my life.. and know who I am.. but how many times.. have you been in a relationship.. and you just knew everything was great.. everything was as it should be.. but we all find out that it isn't.. that's why our relationships always end.. that's where I'm at now... that's why I will never trust anyone completely... or my own feelings ever again.. no matter how sure we think we are... it just isn't something we know.. everything I thought I knew.. was completely turned upside down.. and I won't allow myself to crash anymore.. my vehicle is already totalled.. but I'm driving it.. making it each day as I can.. doing what it takes to get to work.. only.. now.. I have to stay on the safe path.. I hope this analogy shows where I am.. where my mind is.. and how difficult it is to allow anyone close to me.. I just don't see myself allowing the closeness it takes for a strong relationship.. more than friendship.. it's not that I don't care... it's just that I have nothing left in me to make the journey across the bridge again. I have maintained that all along.. and it doesn't matter what I think I feel.. or what people think they feel for me.. I don't believe in that anymore.. it doesn't last.. it always ends up in a tragic accident.. ...and I'm already totalled.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not In My Lifetime.

It's 1:15 am.. I just got back from my niece's wedding.. and it was.. different .. not what I was used to.. but nice all the same..  I only have this to say about the reception... WTF!!! l guess I should give a bit of background information... my spouse wandered off doing her own thing.. as I prefer it that way... so when I happen to come into close proximity of her by accident.. she motions me over.. and has been talking to the head of the catering company... they have been talking for awhile.. and in a short period of time.. they have been getting to know each other a bit..   as I approach.. this woman.. who's name is the same as my spouse.. is saying.. "I just seem to know him.. he looks like John.. somebody"  My spouse then starts with a sales pitch of how great of a guy I am.. and what I do teaching computers.. and this woman starts striking up a conversation with me in front of my spouse.. she even talks about how handsome I am...   she mentions that she i...
Read more

Something I Have Learned Well.

It's odd how we interact with others on so many levels... one would assume by my wide range of references that I have a large assortment of friends.. In all actuality, the people in my circle of friends could be counted on my hands.. and close friends... well..  easily on one hand. I'm not what I would consider a social butterfly... but to be honest.. I sometimes like crowds.. I enjoy having groups of people around me.. I don't stick out like a sore thumb.. and sometimes getting lost in the rest of the world... isn't such a bad thing. How often do you go and "people watch" ....and then think about those people once you're gone... not very often, I'm guessing.. not unless one did something completely out of the ordinary.  I just like having the feeling that I'm normal.. an ordinary person... I just sat here in this chair for most of the weekend.. not really accomplishing anything.. nothing constructive by any means... I feel as though maybe I'm...
Read more

I'm Looking Forward To A New Year.

Been through ice the last few days... lots of time to take off between now and the end of the year... but I will get it in. I tend to not worry about much of anything lately. There's no need.. life is perfect... or at least headed in a perfect direction. I am still irritated at my boss and don't feel that I can truly talk to her without wanting to slap some sense into her... and I'm not a violent person... I don't like the feelings she provokes in me. I haven't felt those feelings before. I would never contemplate seriously hurting anyone on purpose... but with her.. I just want answers... show me WHY you would do such a thing. Not a whole lot I can do about it now.. I will just ride it out until I can go elsewhere... it won't be much longer anyway. I got new glasses yesterday. They are the first plastic frames I've had in 30+ years... black and simple. I actually am growing to like them in a hurry. I spent my time driving to and from the city on the phone...
Read more