there will be nothing left...

I am back home.. until this evening.. I will be going to spend the night with dad.. tonight and tomorrow night.. he can't stay in his house alone... I'm sure it will be painful for him.. for the most part.. I have made my peace with the whole situation.. I don't think I can say I'm not sad.. but the part that bothers me the most.. is that even as badly as this hurt.. my mom leaving.. it's not near the pain I felt a few months ago.. she hurt me worse than anything I ever imagined possible.. she caused me to redefine my thoughts on almost everything... to doubt the existence of love.. and I still do doubt it.. almost 5 months later.. and I still feel the same way.. I won't heal from what I went through then.. ever.. I am positive of that now.. it's almost unfair of me to act as though I might be... even with what is going on for my mom.. part of my pain is still for my loss then... the pain from my mom passing is new.. and I can see me recovering from that.. because it is something I understood as a natural part of life.. I understood mom as needing to leave her failing body..  People say things are not black and white.. but in truth.. EVERYTHING is black and white.. .. how we choose to interpret them.. is gray.. someone busts in on my family.. and I shoot and kill them.. is that wrong.. yes.. it's wrong to take a life... I would still do it.. I would do something wrong.. because I care about my daughters more than the life of this person. but then it would haunt me for the rest of my life.. We make things gray.. so that we can deal with our decision.. things either are.. or aren't.. I'm my case... there is a lot more.. aren't.. than are.. I won't be something I am not.. say things I don't mean.. just to please my friends.. if they can't handle me the way I am.. there's the door.. yes.. I'm crude sometimes.. in that it may come across that I don't care.. that's not the case... I do care.. but my walls keep building higher and stronger.. with each passing day.. this ordeal with my mom has shown me that I've been right about too many things.. and now I hate that.. I don't ask anyone to put up with me... if you want to be a part of my life.. then I'm happy to have you as a part of it.. if you don't.. I completely understand... I can do without anyone in my life.. I will never let myself get dependent on having someone in my life again.. it is too painful when they finally go away..  Sometimes I want to tell the people in my life.. that they should run.. go now.. and save everyone grief.. I still see daily reminders of the past year.. and it still bothers me as much as ever.. I can't help it.. that's just the way it is.. I try to be normal.. to say nice things that come across my mind.. to try to get my friends to smile.. but then something comes along.. a reminder.. and pushes me deeper into my pit.. my "hole" is still there.. I am not looking to fill it.. I'm getting little holes from other events in my life.. and sooner or later.. there will be nothing left..

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