I'm the one to live it.

People are going to do what they they set their mind to.. no matter what.. I think that a lot of problems occur when people feel like they are being controlled.. no one likes to have their life controlled by other people. I know I don't.. I still resent when I feel like my dad is trying to tell me what I need to do.. I want to have some say so in my own life.. no matter what age.. I've felt like this since I was younger.. and yes.. looking back.. I might not have always made the right decisions.. but they were my mistakes to make.. part of us doing a good job as parents.. is to be there for support.. even when our children fail.. We just have to hope that the mistakes they make won't be life changing.. but even if they are.. we can only offer our support.. otherwise it turns into a power struggle.. I don't ever want my children to think that I won't be there for them.. because I will.. to the best of my ability.. but as they grow older.. I want them to learn to support themselves.. if they don't.. they will always be dependent on someone.. or something.. and being dependent really sucks. I have never had the opportunity to "fly" ...my parents have always been there.. pushing me to do the right thing.. and I think that's one of the reasons I resent my father so much.. he has no confidence.. even at 45 years old.. that I will be able to make sound choices in my life.. and .. he might be right.. but those are my mistakes to make.. and hopefully learn from.. I want things in life I'll never get.. because I've never had the independence.. I strive to make my life a better one.. and I do support my family.. financially.. but I'm so emotionally unavailable now.. it's a bit scary.. and my daughters are suffering for it.. I'm almost certain.. My daughter is a little withdrawn.. the oldest one.. but I don't intrude.. she never has the opportunity to do anything.. and I feel badly about that.. because she is stuck here at home.. I worry what will happen when she finally has the ability to go places.. The world is a bad place.. but she will have to learn to make her own decisions. I mean.. look at what's happened to me.. the life I live.. I'm cooped up in my room.. evening after evening.. night after night.. not experiencing much of anything that life has to offer.. I'm already dead.. in my tomb.. I don't want my daughters to have to go through that.. even if there is a bit of pain along the way.. I want them to be able to reach for their dreams.. to succeed.. or possibly fail on their own.. but I will be there to help when I can.. I just don't want to force anything on them.. I've been dealing with young adults for several years now.. and I've seen them come through a variety of hardships.. things my daughter will never have to go through.. because they WILL always have my support when they need it.. I don't want them to be unwilling to ask for it.. There are times I would rather cut off a finger than ask my dad for help. ....and to this day.. I will do everything in my power not to go to him.. because he has controlled me too much already.. yes. it is a power struggle.. but it's MY life.   I might not being doing such a bangup job of living it.. but I'm the one to live it.