Only the truth that I feel.

We all have different perceptions of the way that things are.. and no matter what we want them to be.. it's reality that we have to deal with. We talk ourselves into believing things exist.. or are a certain way.. because we use those perceptions to cope with our lives.. The world is a cold and lonely place.. and we tend to interact with others to fill certain voids or empty places in our world.. My world has become a cold.. and dark place.. with an occasional flickering candle permeating the darkness.  I think that most everyone has realized that about me by now.. and those that haven't.. will figure it out sooner or later.  I think of nothing bright for a long-term future anymore.. I continue to tread along my narrow dimly lit path.. gathering strength for the next obsticle thrown in my path.. I don't see a need to seek out anything to comfort my life anymore.. I am getting used to the darkness.. it's calm and peaceful.  If I continue to choose to shut people out.. I won't get hurt.. at least not any more hurt than what I'm expecting.  Yes.. I know that it can be lonely if I stay locked away behind my walls.. but I would rather deal with that.. than with the pain of losing another person I grow to care about so much. I believe that people think they have a plan to make their life better.. and most people aren't trying to hurt me.. but I don't see myself ever letting anyone close enough.. into my heart.. I only have a little of it left.. and I need it to live.. another crack in my heart.. and I will fall apart..  I choose to be the way I am.. I know that I can give in.. and let people into my world.. and I do.. to a certain point.. but I will never let myself become dependent on having a person in my life.. and I will always take steps to insure that doesn't happen again. I can't believe that a person might not be lying to themselves in order to use me as a "filler" until something better comes along.. it's happened to me every time in my life I let someone get close..  I really never have gotten all that close to my spouse.. in the 17 years we've been married.. we never communicate freely.. we've never had a strong bond.. I know that's sad to say.. but it's the truth.. much of what I say.. are things people don't want to hear.. but it's only the truth that I feel.

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