We'll see what happens...

I can't help but think of how I got here.. how life has chucked so many things at me lately.. and my best friend at the time.. pretty much abandoned me.. I suppose that was because I placed my trust in the wrong person... I thought up until that point that I was a great judge of character.. I suppose that is why I'm so mistrusting now.. not only of other people.. but of my feelings toward them. I am not shutting everyone out of my life.. but if they choose not to be a part of it.. then it's their choice.. I guess I just moved all my contact stuff as a test.. to see how many actually cared enough to follow me.. is it wrong to test friendship?  ...we do it every day in the things we say and do.. I have a few people that seem to want to be a part of my life now.. and I'm thankful for them.. each and every one of them.. but I have to keep making certain that I don't lead people on.. that they don't think of me as a "player".. that's the one thing I really dispise.. and where I can see where someone of no morals would enjoy the attention.. I won't just use one person until another person comes along.. or use several people at once.. giving them each hope that they are first in my life.. right now.. "I" am first in my life.. me... I will do what I need to do to survive.. but for the most part.. I have support from my best friend... I would say "current" best friend.. but that would imply that I am looking for another.. let's just say.. I am not looking for anything.. but friendship at the moment.. those people who want to be a part of my life need to understand that..
My mom was admitted to the hospital yesterday.. they said that she's not well enough to receive chemo... so.. they have to "work on her" for a bit.. her fluids and systems are out of balance.. including her kidneys.. I hope it isn't too serious.. I am trying not to be selfish now.. but I had already made big plans.. but I would drop everything and run to mom if it turns out to be a very serious.. life threatening emergency. All I can do now is hope and pray that she will be ok for awhile longer.. if that's the best thing for her.. I don't like to think about her dying and leaving.. but I'm ready for her to go if that is what is in her best interest... I don't think any of us like to talk about someone dying.. or leaving us.. it's painful once you've developed an emotional attachment.. and she's my mom.. I've been a part of her life since my birth... I'm thankful for all she's done for me.. I just don't know what to do for her now.. and as I've said so many times in the past few months.. we'll see what happens.

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