I only have my integrity.

This blogging thing has gotten to be a daily routine for me.. I doubt I will ever miss a day.. even if it's just to say hi.. or something..  My right ring finger is bruised for no apparent reason.. it's also slightly swollen.. next to the fingernail.. I don't know what's going on with that.. but it's affecting my typing ability somewhat... I sat on center review boards yesterday... 5 of them.. 3.. we are giving students a chance to ship up or shape out.. the other 2.. just don't care.. and it's obvious.. we'll see what happens there. I wish I had time to take a vacation now.. I really feel the need for one.. but so close to my recent time off.. I'm so far behind as it is.. I know I need to save a bit for my leaving.. but I just haven't been able to.. I feel so hypocritical staying with my spouse.. but the world is full of hypocracy.. I felt hypocritical all the while I was "stepping out" with my spouse.. then claiming to be such a good person.. I know I'm not a good person.. I but I realize we all do things we aren't supposed to do.. the problem is.. I have no remorse.. as I still will continue to do things.. I tried to consider myself a moral person.... but I'm not that moral.. I just have ideas that I stick to.. believe in.. those are MY ideas.. I spend a few hours each week being religious.. but for the most part.. I'm involved in me.. I put myself first.. I can live with that.. I need to be somewhat self-absorbed... I never tell anyone else how to believe.. because it's not my place.. but I spend each day trying to be a role-model to the students I teach.. wondering how much credit I'd actually have if they knew the real me.. the guy that frequented adult flirting sites.. the guy that gets involved in extramarital affairs.. not that I'm bothered by it.. because I'm not.. my marriage is over anyway.. my main problem was when I did this behind my spouse's back.. I was asked once.. wouldn't it be better if she knew all of this.. or what I'm feeling.. my whole point now is.. no.. I won't try to fix my marriage.. so there is no reason to "confess" to all my activities.. only to rub salt into the wound of our failed marriage.. if I were going to try to make it work.. then I would feel the need to let her know what I've done.. but it's best this way not to involve her.. because I don't plan on involving her in my life anyway.. and she know that.. I had to share that much with her... otherwise I would continue being hypocritical. 

We all look at ourselves as though we are right.. I don't necessarily feel I am right.. I just am me.. and things I feel will happen.. turn out to be correct.. I choose to continue the path I am on.. living each day as it has been given to me.. I don't feel pressed to live in the past anymore.. but I really don't care to look to the future either.. I am not saddened at all by my life.. I know some people read this and think .. "that's so sad" ...it is what it is.. that's all it can be.. I take my life and deal with things as they arise.. I adjust to the difficult situations.. and enjoy the not so difficult ones.. I don't want pity.. I don't need help.. I just want people to be themselves.. to be the true person they are.. so that I can interact with real people.. and not projections of themselves.. I don't think I project anything I'm not to those I consider my friends.. that's why I am me.. I am not ashamed of anything I blog.. and if my wife does happen to find out what I blog.. I won't deny anything.. I don't try to lie to anyone.. I only have my integrity..

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