I feel inadequate.

Tried to sleep late this morning.. but was still up before sunrise.. just couldn't sleep... my body is used to getting up early now.. even though I hate mornings.. and want to sleep later.. I think there's a lot of things we would like to do.. but circumstances prevent it.. I know that many times I talk about us having control.. or no control over a situation.. but if you share my overall view.. I believe there is a universal plan in place... and many things are predestined.. sure.. we have some choice about a few minor things in our life.. but we can't seem to change our paths for the most part.. without disturbing our values... I believe it's when we go against our values... is when we cause the most problems in our life... I'm not even sure where I am going with this.. if anywhere.. I just type as I think most of the time... I haven't really been thinking about blogging anything in particular today..  I know that people will read it.. and think that I am as crazy.. or mental unstable as ever.. and that's ok.. we all live in a chaotic world.. and too many people have fooled themselves into thinking that they are normal... but what is normal?   I really don't think normal exists.. people imitate other people in thoughts and actions.. the most people who do or believe a certain way.. win the normalcy award... I really feel I'm unique.. not normal.. notice I said.. unique.. not better.. I don't believe I'm better than anyone else.. only different.   ...I'm proud of being different... I know a lot of people choose to follow the basic paths.. and I do too.. only I feel that society as a whole.. has degraded a lot in the last few decades... remember when people would help other people stranded on the side of the road.. remember when you didn't have to fear being mugged or kidnapped ... I still remember going out in public.. and never having to listen to profanity..  not that I see there's anything wrong with the words themselves.. I use off-color words.. but I only use them in intimate settings... I feel that language.. and raw emotion.. is a very intimate part of a person.. I will not share any intimate part of myself.. with just anyone... I keep a lot of myself bottled up.. and those that choose to be a part of my life will be exposed to various levels of my personality... That doesn't mean I won't be truthful with anyone.. that just means that in order for me to trust a person with the private parts of my personality.. a person much gain my trust...  I use the word.. person.. personality.. personal.. they are all similar.. a being isn't considered a person in my world...  until I have heard of them.. they then become a person.. now.. if they choose to interact with me.. then it becomes personal.. between two persons.. to share ones layers of his/her personality.. that takes being personal to various depths..  I try not to take comments or actions by people who aren't in my circle of trust.. personally.. because they haven't breached that layer of trust.. there are very few people who can actually hurt me.. and I choose to keep it that way.. it's much better for me actually.. no matter what we say.. we allow people to influence us.. it's just how close to us they are.. as to how much they can influence us..  I say I'll never trust anyone completely.. not again anyway.. I can only think of 1 or 2 people I've ever trusted completely.. and that was a mistake... I don't think people are ready for that much trust.. very few people can accept the responsibility for absolute trust... not saying that people would purposely hurt you.. but I think most people think on a selfish level.. and have the capability of destroying other people emotionally if given that much trust.  I honestly don't want anyone to trust me completely.. especially now.. because I can't even trust myself.. I have no idea what the future holds for me.. or how I will react to events in my life.. so.. why would I ask someone to trust me with everything.. knowing that.  I believe we usually try to do the right thing as humans.. but most of us are so caught up in ourselves.. that we forget to "reverse the roles".. we don't see what we do to others with our actions.  Everyone is so self-righteous.. we believe that our actions are justified.. but in truth.. we only do things to make ourselves feel better.. we tell ourselves things to make our actions seem logically sound..  It is only when we can look at everyone and put ourselves in that situation.. when we can make the best choices... I don't know what I'm addressing exactly.. I just know that there are too many times when I can easily see the crap being flung.. either to smokescreen a person's actions.. or to justify our wants or desires.. I have lived in witness of this for years now... we fool ourselves as much .. or more than.. we do others.. Most people live in the shadows of their wants and wishes... most people are self-righteous hypocrits. I myself have done more than my share.. I choose my path.. and I stand responsible for those I tear down..  I might not do it on purpose.. but it's still a consequence of my actions that affect those who choose to be close to me.. People believe in me.. and I can't even believe in myself... I feel inadequate.