not as I wish they were.

The morning is going by in slow motion... Dad wanted to talk earlier.. he is going through his clothes.. and my mom's clothes.. wanting me to find someone who can use them.. he doesn't want them to be sold.. like at a salvation army thrift store.. or goodwill.. he wants someone who will use them. He is trying to get rid of some of the reminders already... I think that might be a good thing.. but I will hang on to them.. in case he wants them back.. I will find a place somewhere..  He is out running errands.. I think he needs to try to get back as close as he can to his normal routine. 

What is normal?  ...I am the last person to be able to talk about something being normal.. my life is a whirlwind of confusion and devastation.. For my part.. I have open cuts in my soul.. and each day just rubs salt in them.  I think of other ways that my life can be.. and then realize that I don't.. and won't have that type of life.. not the life I want.. there are too many things I've done that can't be undone.. and anyone who cares eventually leaves.. whether they plan on it... or not.  I thought about going to the doc for a checkup.. since I haven't had one in so long.. but I will wait until I feel like something is wrong with me.. I don't feel like I'm going to die anytime soon.. I keep having these.. thoughts... I feel like I'm going to either pass on at 62 ...or 68 years old.. but I'm not certain which... I want to do some things before I do.. but I doubt I'll ever get the chance... I need to just live my life for my daughters.. and be there for them.. what I want really isn't that important.. any time I try to reach for anything.. I'm shot down anyway.. I don't feel like I'm that bad of a person.. I try to be there for people.. I try to do what I can for everyone... and still I feel like life just aims at the target on my back.. and shoots me down whenever I make an effort.. yes.. I am beat.. I'm tired.. I just want to quit sometimes and just lay in the bed all day.. I think we all have those days.. but I'm having months of that... it gets to be an effort to continue on.. but I have.. and will still do it... I want to experience some of the joys that life has to offer.. but my moments of joy are far and few between.. and the most joyous experiences I've ever had.. turned out to be a lie.. sure.. they were wonderful as they happen.. but I have the rest of my life to dwell on the fact that I was a distraction.. no amount of words will change my outlook on that.. I will just have to deal with things as they are.. and not as I wish they were..

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not In My Lifetime.

It's 1:15 am.. I just got back from my niece's wedding.. and it was.. different .. not what I was used to.. but nice all the same..  I only have this to say about the reception... WTF!!! l guess I should give a bit of background information... my spouse wandered off doing her own thing.. as I prefer it that way... so when I happen to come into close proximity of her by accident.. she motions me over.. and has been talking to the head of the catering company... they have been talking for awhile.. and in a short period of time.. they have been getting to know each other a bit..   as I approach.. this woman.. who's name is the same as my spouse.. is saying.. "I just seem to know him.. he looks like John.. somebody"  My spouse then starts with a sales pitch of how great of a guy I am.. and what I do teaching computers.. and this woman starts striking up a conversation with me in front of my spouse.. she even talks about how handsome I am...   she mentions that she i...
Read more

Something I Have Learned Well.

It's odd how we interact with others on so many levels... one would assume by my wide range of references that I have a large assortment of friends.. In all actuality, the people in my circle of friends could be counted on my hands.. and close friends... well..  easily on one hand. I'm not what I would consider a social butterfly... but to be honest.. I sometimes like crowds.. I enjoy having groups of people around me.. I don't stick out like a sore thumb.. and sometimes getting lost in the rest of the world... isn't such a bad thing. How often do you go and "people watch" ....and then think about those people once you're gone... not very often, I'm guessing.. not unless one did something completely out of the ordinary.  I just like having the feeling that I'm normal.. an ordinary person... I just sat here in this chair for most of the weekend.. not really accomplishing anything.. nothing constructive by any means... I feel as though maybe I'm...
Read more

I'm Looking Forward To A New Year.

Been through ice the last few days... lots of time to take off between now and the end of the year... but I will get it in. I tend to not worry about much of anything lately. There's no need.. life is perfect... or at least headed in a perfect direction. I am still irritated at my boss and don't feel that I can truly talk to her without wanting to slap some sense into her... and I'm not a violent person... I don't like the feelings she provokes in me. I haven't felt those feelings before. I would never contemplate seriously hurting anyone on purpose... but with her.. I just want answers... show me WHY you would do such a thing. Not a whole lot I can do about it now.. I will just ride it out until I can go elsewhere... it won't be much longer anyway. I got new glasses yesterday. They are the first plastic frames I've had in 30+ years... black and simple. I actually am growing to like them in a hurry. I spent my time driving to and from the city on the phone...
Read more