I was right.
Ok... so having a sore throat sucks pond scum through a straw... and yes.. it's THAT bad... I didn't do much on my one day off.. but it was a break from having to go in... Now.. this morning bright and early.. I'm back to work.. I was storming here last night.. and at one time.. I thought I heard a train.. so.. I'm thinking a tornado might have come close... I remember lying there.. thinking.. I sorta hope this is it.. it made me realize that I don't have anything I really care about living for.. but then again.. I still will never take an active role in ending my existence.. I will continue to wake up.. do what I'm supposed to do.. for some reason.. I am not even certain of why anymore.. but I have no thoughts of quitting.. just thoughts of peace at last... it's very difficult to go on at times.. knowing that I can hurt.. and be hurt.. I want to just exist.. I have no desires for my future anymore.. I just feel that each day is just slightly different.. because of the events happening... but for the most part.. I live each day the same.. I hope that the people in my life.. will not depend on me for much.. because I don't feel like I will be able to give much... I have people tell me that I'm being stupid.. that I'm just pitying myself too much. That's ok.. and those people will see.. it's been quite a while now.. and nothing has changed.. I'm no different than I was 6 months ago.. and 6 months from now.. I'll still be the same.. there are too many reminders of how I was wrong about things.. too many things in my life to rub salt in my wounds.. My half empty glass will remain half empty.. because I won't let anyone fill it.. and my pessimism will continue. What will it take for me to overcome this?.. I don't really care... because I don't want to overcome it.. I don't want to be better.. I don't want anyone's help in healing.. I will continue to be this way.. and those that choose to be a part of it.. fine.. you're welcome to be in my life.. but a few years from now.. when you finally give up dealing with my crap.. and how I am now.. when you choose to believe I'm how I used to be.. you will find out.. that again.. I was right.
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