Pulling out the port.

I got up this morning... and I missed my mom... just thinking about things.. leads me to thoughts of how things used to be.. but I can't live in the past..  I am somewhat tired from all the overtime work.. I should have 35 hours of overtime.. just this week alone.. I could even get more.. but I choose not to.. I don't want to suffer from exhaustion..  I think I've always been one to avoid circumstances where I know bad things will happen... I found out in  2008 that I had a slightly high sugar level... so I made it manageable with just the proper diet.. I don't eat much sugar.. and I make it a point to severely limit  my intake of processed sweets.. or desserts.. Do I still want them?.. of course.. it's like my thoughts on relationships.. I limit my intake of relationships... but do I still want one?.. yes.. I don't eat sweets because it could probably lead me to poking myself with a needle each day.. or even more often.. I have this unnatural fear of needles.. that would make that a living nightmare for me.. it's the same thing with relationships.. I have grown to think of relationships in those terms as needles.. tearing holes into the soul.. into your heart.. your heart gets an infusion of feelings..  and if you put in a port.. I suppose it's ok.. that's like a long term relationship.. but when it is taken out.. it leaves a severe scar.. especially on the heart.. I've put a few ports in my heart.. and received treatment for my lack of intimacy.. but I'm getting older.. and all the needles.. and ports I've put into my heart.. have taken its toll on me.. I'm tired of having the holes torn into my heart.. even if they make me feel better.. just as I'm certain I would feel better if were diabetic.. requiring needles into my skin each day.. I went into my last relationship.. saying to myself.. this is it.. if this doesn't work out.. I can't do it anymore.. I still remember that.. and I took the plunge.. jumped in.. she said the same thing.. that if something ever happened.. that would be it.. I kinda believe she lied when she said that.. but that's not the worst part.. I do not want to hold someone back from happiness.. I support anyone trying to find what happiness they can.. IF they can take the loss when it finally turns to shit.. unfortunately the main reason I don't allow myself to get close to anyone.. is that I would take into the relationship with me.. the thoughts of .. I wonder when this one will be over.. I wonder when she will walk away.. and that would doom a relationship from the start.. until I can get out of that mindset.. any relationship is doomed to fail.. so.. I don't try.. I can't have a different outlook.. at times.. I've wanted to think differently.. but that's who I am.. it's engraved on my soul.. I want to believe that people can be happy.. I want the medicinal qualities of a  relationship to heal my heart...  I've just been shown too many times.. from too many perspectives.. that it's a probability that I will be pulling out the port..

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