Actions say it all.

Well.. it's back to the overtime... I'm up at 4:30 this morning.. after working until nearly 9 last night... The manager says he wants me to work every day.. and Sat. too... but I can't quite do that.. so.. I'm working 4 days a week.. over... but going in early every day.. so .. a compromise.   Life is about compromises, I suppose.  we rarely get the things we want.. most of the time we have to be satisfied with what is reasonable.. I know that many times to my friends.. I appear.. unreasonable.. that's ok.. I don't have to change my attitude.. but for a few minutes every once in awhile.. I will lower my negativity long enough to give a smile or two... Does that mean my thoughts are any different?... no.. that's what I have to keep stressing to the ones that desire my attitude to change... for me to "heal" ...I don't want to heal.. I don't want to be "better" ...yes... I'm not exactly a happy person... I'm ok with that.. really... I know I keep saying that.. and someday.. people will actually begin to believe it. I choose my path.. it doesn't matter that usually I end up choosing the wrong one.. it's MY path.. I hate to continue to rehash the same things ... but life isn't a bowl of cherries for me.. I will never go back to revisit my past.. that part is dead and gone to me.. but I'm not looking for a bright future either.. I will continue to live as I have.. taking my days as I get to them.. and just try to make it to the next day.  It's much more difficult for me to do that than it was a year ago.. I don't have the motivation to really care a whole lot anymore.. I am sorry for the wasted effort by my friends to try to cheer me up.. but I am a different person completely than I used to be.. not that I really wanted to change.. but life has shown me some of the harsh realities..  I can't live in my "fantasy world" ... things aren't always skittles and rainbows. I will be who I am.. I will push away those who get very close.. I will resolve myself to being alone... at least after all is said and done.. and those people I keep pushing get tired of my pushing.. I won't open myself up to the hurt I had with my last relationship.. I know that people are different... I get that.. but I still maintain that no one knows exactly what they are looking for.. we're in our 40's... if we knew what we are looking for... I think we would have found it by now.. Right now.. people are just accepting things that are better than what they have... I think that maybe I am just better that what is the current situation for some.. That's all I ever have been in previous relationships.. and that's all I can see me ever being.. I won't let someone bring me completely into their world.. and I won't trust anyone with all that I am.. ever again.. I did that before.. and it's been almost 1/2 a year now.. and the pain isn't any better.. the feelings of betrayal.. and deceit are still as strong as before.. and I trusted ... because I "knew" it was ok.. the same as I "know" that my car is in my driveway.. sure.. there's the very, very slightest chance it isn't.. but it is negligable.. My concepts of what I know.. are completely called into question.. I suppose I knew what I felt.. and what I was willing to do.. but.. I can no longer trust my feelings.. my perceptions of reality have been altered.. I don't believe that things just are on.. and off.. unless you turn them off.. like a light switch.. I don't think in my previous relationship.. that she ever could have "loved" me.. I had to be a bandaid.. for the situation she was in.. I felt I was finally ripped off.. and discarded once she had healed enough. No amount of words can change my feelings... it's the actions that say it all..