I'm broken.

Another Monday morning... only it's on a Tuesday this week.. which could make the week somewhat better.. I was off yesterday because of the government holiday.. I was supposed to get a lot done.. and have it done for today.. but I never felt motivated to do it.. I'm not really motivated to do a whole lot anymore.  What's the point.. really.. I can try and beat my head against the wall. ...I can earn a few extra dollars here and there.. but I'm still going to run out of money... because my family spends it as quickly as I can make it.. I made almost 30k more this past year.. than the year before.. and I don't have anything more to show for it... I know I'm not living much more extravagantly than I was.. I don't spend very much on anyone.. so.. where does it all go?  I'll have to start keeping track of my money a bit better.. I had a dream ...or maybe I posted on here.. that I started a separate account to keep some extra money in.. I will start doing that. ...I also dreamed recently.. that I am changing my death date.. it's dependent on some event that will happen soon.. ...not saying that I'm going to die soon.. but.. it might not be in my 60's... I don't know.. right now.. I sort of feel out of touch with life.. I'm actually adjusting though.  I figured I would.. I always do. I haven't cried in several days... I've numbed myself from actually caring much about anyone.. I think I like it much better this way. ...I was tired of crying. ...there didn't seem to be an end to it. It was pointed out.. that whereas most people see the bright spots in their life.. and live from bright spot to bright spot.. I see the dark spots in mine.. and live from dark to dark.. The more I think about that.. it's true. I understand that... I can't ...or don't want to see much bright in my life.. I want nothing from life anymore.. not really.. I've said before.. I lost my motivation somewhere along the way... I look at all my friendships and am grateful for the people who choose to be in my life.. but I still wait for the day that each one of them walks away.. If I don't let them get too close.. then maybe they'll hang around.. but the real me.. isn't a person that desires a whole lot anymore. I hope to be busy for awhile now that I'm back to work... I think I'm supposed to start back in on the overtime... I told them I would do that once I got back.. It will keep my mind occupied more constructively.. I will do what I'm told.. just like I seem to do with everyone.. that doesn't mean my heart it is in anymore... it just means that I'm broken.

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