I Can Only Be Who I Am.
I've been in a funk all day.. nothing to do with my just ended relationship...it's just a mood I'm in.. I think it's PMS... what? ...guys can't get hormonal?...okay .. so it's not PMS.. but I suppose that there is something that is causing my funky mood. I haven't actually determined what it is.. although I have a few ideas.. I can't seem to accept that I'm not the center of my world anymore.. I mean.. yes.. it's a bit conceited to think of oneself as the center of their own little world.... but I have lost the ambition and drive I once had... to succeed in doing things for myself.. I don't really see a purpose in it.. I suppose at one point I thought I was moving toward something.. but now I see that I am just making it through each day.. and then the next one.. then the next one.. I really don't care how the day turns out.. I mean.. I don't want to be in pain.. or anguish.. or anything like that.. but I don't feel that I will if I continue to just exist. I don't want anything more than that.. I just want to ...be.. and for people to just let me be... I know I said similar things before.. but this is how I want to live my life... for myself.. just avoiding the pitfalls of major issues and disappointments.. I know I'll have enough of those at points in my life in any case.. due to outside influences..
I am going to have to go back to school.. or training.. or something.. to keep myself abreast of all the new changes in the A+ curriculum. I am supposed to start teaching things that have become popular since I started teaching... I suppose if I were doing it correctly, I would have been learning it all along... I just tend to focus on what I needed to teach.. and staying away from the extras... but it still isn't enough to make my students an invaluable technician.. I only hope I can keep ahead of them. I've already talked to my supervisor.. and am going to be afforded the proper funding for training.. right now.. they don't have much of a choice.. if they elect to keep the program open.. and even if they aren't.. by not sending me to training.. they are basically saying that they are going to shut the program down very soon.. and I don't think they want to announce that.
I have been reading through several of my past posts.. and for the most part.. I'm not ashamed of anything I've posted... it's what I was thinking at the time I posted it.. I guess I am a very obstinate person.. and somewhat focused on just myself.. but I tend to keep my thoughts open.. I have nothing to hide from anyone.. it's that openness that I enjoy seeing in other people.. I don't mind if people don't agree with me.. and even if they can't tolerate my current behavior.. I am okay with that too.. it doesn't mean I can change.. or will change... it just means that I understand.. It's not like I'm trying to purposely hurt anyone with my words.. or actions.. as I've said all along.. I can only be who I am.
I am going to have to go back to school.. or training.. or something.. to keep myself abreast of all the new changes in the A+ curriculum. I am supposed to start teaching things that have become popular since I started teaching... I suppose if I were doing it correctly, I would have been learning it all along... I just tend to focus on what I needed to teach.. and staying away from the extras... but it still isn't enough to make my students an invaluable technician.. I only hope I can keep ahead of them. I've already talked to my supervisor.. and am going to be afforded the proper funding for training.. right now.. they don't have much of a choice.. if they elect to keep the program open.. and even if they aren't.. by not sending me to training.. they are basically saying that they are going to shut the program down very soon.. and I don't think they want to announce that.
I have been reading through several of my past posts.. and for the most part.. I'm not ashamed of anything I've posted... it's what I was thinking at the time I posted it.. I guess I am a very obstinate person.. and somewhat focused on just myself.. but I tend to keep my thoughts open.. I have nothing to hide from anyone.. it's that openness that I enjoy seeing in other people.. I don't mind if people don't agree with me.. and even if they can't tolerate my current behavior.. I am okay with that too.. it doesn't mean I can change.. or will change... it just means that I understand.. It's not like I'm trying to purposely hurt anyone with my words.. or actions.. as I've said all along.. I can only be who I am.
Sometimes growth is pain. Each time we get knocked down and get back up we get stronger. Leaving yourself closed makes you emotionally stunted. Just my two cents for why you are unhappy.
ReplyDeleteIt's not that I'm really unhappy anymore.. I'm just not happy.. but.. it's not worth the pain to me... to grow.. I am content with being where I am.
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