Under my Hat

I sit here.. taking a few minutes of break while playing my game.. and I am pondering the day.. I'm glad my friend had a decent birthday.. but I will always remember this day for another reason.. it's the day that I found out my mother probably has 2 - 4 months to live... it's difficult to think about that.. but I know that she has had a good life.. it just goes to support my idea that everyone leaves.... even if they don't plan on it.. things happen that are beyond our control.. I care about my mother.. and I will miss her.. so much.. I don't want her to go.. but I realize that I have to accept it.. these last few months have reminded me that I don't really have a say so in who comes into.. or out of my life.. I am still numb.. but I can't really be any other way.. I know my father will have a difficult time of it.. I almost think he will try to move in with one of us.. I told my daughters.. and I don't think it has hit them very much.. they seem to be ...

Looking at my life.. as I have for the past few months... I realize that even though there are a lot of changes taking place.. I, myself, am just falling deeper and deeper into an abyss. I no longer hope for very many things to happen.. I really don't look to the future anymore.. because I feel that it will be a cold and lonely future... I was cursed to have an outlook like my father... even though I hate to admit it.. I am extremely stubborn.. rather than be wrong... I will sit the rest of my life.. alone.. without pursuing any relationship.. and let my life pass me by.. I've grown used to the idea.. My relationship with my spouse is over.. we talk in passing now.. but even that is rare.  I have on occasion thought about giving up my principles and going back to the sites where I said I would never return to.. but to what... it's full of heartache and hurt.. people looking for something they don't have.. and hoping to find it with someone who will lie.. and cheat... an...

I was right.. about several things.. but I've also been wrong about some things too.. I received an apology yesterday.. and I actually believe it was a sincere one.. I understand that some people say things they don't mean when they are hurt... I've done that myself.. I know that life is about getting past our obstacles... about trying to make it through with as little collateral damage as possible.  I won't say the things that were said in the correspondence.. it wasn't an attempt to win me back.. it wasn't an attempt to say we should be together.. it was just an apology... and I appreciate it.. I may have been upset.. but I'm not angry at anyone.. I won't hold a grudge to anyone.. but I also know that I don't like people trying to plan my life without me being a part of the planning process.  I am still hurt.. I will continue to stay hurt.. I do understand a lot of what was told to me.. but I think it was an excuse... to justify some of the things ...

When it rains.. it pours.. I am still dealing with my home situation.. and the stupidity at work.. my dad.. being called a liar and cheater.. and now.. I just found out from my sister.. that my mom very likely has advanced liver cancer... we'll know more on Wednesday.. but I just don't know how much more I can take..  I feel like life is just out to get me right now... I can't seem to catch a break.. so anyone who is pissed off.. or upset with me.. fuck you.. I'm doing all I can to keep my sanity.. and I don't need anyone who doesn't want to support me to stay in my life right now... I will come through this all ok.. that's what I keep telling myself.. I just don't know how to be tactful.. or all sunshine and roses... go away if you can't be constructive in my life.. I know that seems harsh.. but none of you are dealing with the same situations I am.. I just sent the one person I thought I might have loved... packing.. I can't deal with her.. and...

It's amazing at how some people can look at things... and interpret it in so many different ways... according to someone.. I am a liar.. a cheater.. and I was the one that evidently broke off our relationship.. In a way, I'm glad that I found out now that she felt I was unfaithful to her.. that gave me the strength to tell her to go away.. what a load of hogwash.. All I ever did during our relationship was talk about how much I cared about her.. to every one of my friends.. even to those that turned out not to be friends.. I would like anyone who knows of any instances where I was "unfaithful" .. to post it publicly here.. I won't erase it.. I won't deny any truthful comments.. it has just never happened... I will admit that I have made some mistakes while she and I was together.. someone I considered a good friend.. was going to spend Christmas alone last year.. and I invited her to spend it with the family.. because she was so upset about it.. and very sad.....

There are a few people out there that seem to think I am pushing to try to blame someone for all my pain.. I can only blame myself... I was the one who trusted.. I was the one who let my guard down.. this was mostly my fault.. A person can only feel guilty if they've done something wrong... I don't feel guilty.. I only feel hurt.. I never felt I did anything wrong.. nor am I doing anything wrong by choosing to put my feelings down... if it bothers anyone to read what I have to say.. then don't.. I said yesterday.. we all have choices..  no one forces anyone to come here and read what is posted.  I made the choice a long time ago to stop visiting the sites.. and I'll stick to those choices.. I have had a couple of times where the sites were brought up to me.. and my response was.... I don't want to know..  all you find there are people pretending... maybe that's why everyone feels so guilty.. they keep pretending to be people that they are not.. pretending to hav...

We all have a choice.. we choose to behave the way we do.. we choose whether we want to act like adults.. we choose to get up each day.. sure.. there may be some serious repercussions if we don't do some things.. but it's still a choice.  I choose to stay with my spouse each day even though I am miserable here.. I choose to blog about my feelings.. I choose to play my game.. our feelings just are.. we have choices about how we deal with those too... I spend time with my friend.. I work A LOT... I eat.. I sleep.. I could quit most anything.. but then I'd have to deal with the problems that arise from quitting what I do... I have to look at myself each night in the mirror and see who is looking back at me.. and decide if I actually like this person.  I don't know how some people can actually look at themselves..  or maybe they just don't care about anything.. I said yesterday that my "give a damn" is busted.. and it is.. to a certain point... I don't car...

Another one down... made it through another day... seems like a stupid thing to say, but I expected yesterday to go much worse than it did.. Thanksgiving day... and where I have some things to be thankful for.. I also have a lot of things I wish I could change.  It seems like some days.. even weeks now.. just slowly flitter by.. like a dream....  Back to "row, row, row your boat" I suppose.. I work 7 am to 10 pm.. maybe later.. I am ok with that I guess.. I had my one day off this month.. and am ready to go back.. I took a guest to my dinner last night.. and there were no incidents... that's good.  I skipped out on my grandmother's dinner... for the first time ever... it's not like I really get to see any of those people any other time except Christmas and Thanksgiving, anyway.  My sister has a new granddaughter...  she was crying and everyone was passing her back and forth.. trying to placate her... finally I picked her up.. and held her against me.. and all I ...

Happy Thanksgiving. I had to work later last night.. even though most everyone else got off 3 hours early. well.. at least I have more time off later.. like I need more. I suppose it will be the opportunity to do what I have always wanted to do.. in the Spring after the divorce.. I AM going to take a cruise.. don't know how long yet.. don't know where.. but I will take one.  it's my present to me for working so much now. I have over 100 hours of comp time.. in addition to all the extra money I've been saving up.. but I hope to use some of that to make my daughters Christmas a better one.  I am taking a special guest to Thanksgiving dinner... it was sort of surprising for me to announce it.. but I am doing it anyway.. I hope all goes well and that nothing is said that hurts anyone's feelings. As long as my daughters are ok with it.. that's all that matters anyway. I can't continue to let my heart bleed here... that's all it does anymore.. so I will lock ...

I am in a decent mood today... I am glad I didn't work over last night.. I felt tired after driving all day.. then I played my game for awhile.. and needed to turn in early... After a brief nap.. I had a nice conversation with a friend.  I had to unload some things verbally.. and I am sure she needed the conversation also..  In any case, I feel a little lighter this morning.. not as much pressure built up on me from life in general. ...and I have to say thank you.. for reaching out. It's difficult to imagine a world where everything is black and white.. but in almost all cases.. it is.. things either are... or they're not. Most people will tell you.. there are circumstances where this is the case... not really... it's only ourselves trying to justify things.. to others.. or even to ourselves.  I have no idea how life will unfold for me in the future.. I don't even pretend to know who is sincere and who isn't about what they say.  I have a lot of things on my mi...

So... I sit here in the testing facility... waiting for my students to finish testing. I'm using my phone to blog.. it hives me some peace.  My mind isn't completely here today.  I am thinking of how things could be so different.. if only I been more observant...more cynical.. it seems that most of my pain is caused when I put my trust in someone.  I am more than walled up. I am cemented. There is little hope of my walls coming down.  Anyone that chooses to interact with me will either deal with that.. or be sorely disappointed.  I sit and ponder different scenarios... what if I had done things differently.. but it makes no difference... things are as they are...

I get to go to Nashville again today.. testing more students.. I need to try to get that moved... it will just open up more painful memories.. of not only the memories in March.. but of last June.. and failed relationships.. rejection.. I have done that myself lately.. rejected someone who put their heart out there.. and I sometimes wrestle with the actions I choose versus what I say... I have always maintained that I can only be a friend... then I go and open up my intimate thoughts to someone.. and things go downhill from there.  I guess I should be more selective in what I say.. but I can't be that way anymore.. I am the type of person that will speak my mind.. and then try to clarify later.. if I get misunderstood.  I can't really say anything against those that choose to hide their feelings.. that choose to hold back what really is on their minds.. because it seems as though that seems to cause a lot of trouble... that's not me though.. I am trying to work on my commun...

I was shot... in my dream last night.. I was shot in the head.. it sorta stung.. but I was so incoherent... I couldn't think.. I knew what I wanted to say.. I was roaming around.. trying to find someone to help me.. to let them know who shot me.. but I didn't know who actually did it. I wandered around for awhile.. and then I sat down in an alley.. and people passed and called me a bum.. I just lay there.. and slowly bled to death.. it was soooo realistic.. when I woke up this morning.. I was actually a little surprised I was alive..  The thing is.. I don't want to die.. but I don't want to live either.. I figure I'll just deal with what happens to me.. My song post yesterday.. was a bit impromptu.. I was told about a song by a friend.. and I started clicking links from that one.. and then another one.. and then another.. several songs I thought about posting.. but then I got to Johnny Cash.. Hurt.. and I really understand it.. Life is full of hurt.. we hurt other ...

Ok.. so maybe I've been working a bit too much lately... I think 62 hours of overtime constitutes a bit over my limit. I am tired... rundown.. and get a bit cranky.. even though I don't show it much.... for no reason. I suppose it's just a matter of time before I end up sick physically from pushing myself so hard... I might lighten up.. some.. at least back to only 40 hours or so... I woke up quite awhile ago.. even though I could sleep in today.. maybe.. I am supposed to call and find out whether the guy that was on leave.. is back or not.. if not.. then I'll be working today too.. Thursday is Thanksgiving... I have a lot to be thankful for.. but I also have a lot I wish I didn't have. I am healthy.. or fairly healthy anyway.  I have two wonderful daughters who must be going through quite a bit with my whole pulling back thing.. I have a spouse that still does my laundry and takes care of things around the house.. even if it's not an adequate job.. she seems t...

I get to work today... more overtime... yipee! ....I know it's hard to tell the sarcasm in the written word sometimes...but there's plenty of it here.. In one way... I'm glad to help out.. because they are so short staffed... and it does give some extra money for Christmas... but I have more than enough overtime to do me for awhile.  I'm certain there should be another deserving staff member on center to be allowed to work it.  I spent the better part of the evening yesterday talking to a friend.. about all kinds of things.. and I do feel better.. I can't change a whole lot.. I can't change my feelings.. but I can choose to act accordingly.... to match what I am saying.. It's when we let go... that we can truly start to change ourselves.  In college.. it took me 4 years to get over my relationship.. no.. I won't even say I got over it.. I learned to deal with it.. and go on with my life.  I don't know how long this will take... I feel like I'm ...

So... it's gone..  my little counter at the bottom.. my keeping track of my visitors.. I really am doing this for me.. and it's wrong of me to check my counter and see who is seeing this.. and who isn't.. those that care.. that want to know what's going on in my life.. my mind.. will continue to check this out.. and those that don't.. won't.. I really don't care who visits and who doesn't anymore.. and the fact that I kept checking to see if she visited.. showed I really did care... but I'm done trying to see if she visits.. I'm done looking at all her friends coming through.. keeping an eye on whether I've told her one of their secrets.. I'm not telling anyone anything.. all your secrets are safe.. and so is hers.. I removed yahoo messenger from my computer completely also.. I need to remove it from my phone.. I was told by a couple of friends that this was a "healing step" ... that I was angry.. no.. I'm not angry.. I'...

You were the one who sent me away... you said you needed space.. you needed to be with someone else.. I would never be able to trust you again.. that's what I would have to say to her.. even if she changed her mind and figured out that I loved her more than anyone ever has... and ever will.. I was willing to do anything for her.. and would have been happy.. but now.. I won't let myself.. ever get that involved with anyone. We all have repercussions for our actions.. and everyone makes mistakes.. but it's been 3 months.. and she still needs her space.. so she has it.. forever. I don't want to walk down a path knowing that at any time... even after almost a year of increasing closeness.. that I could be left abandoned.  I know that all people aren't the same.. but this shows me that I cannot believe my own feelings... I have come to the realization that as she continues day by day to stay away.. that it truly is over.. If she really had cared for me.. she would have o...

Have you ever been to a Whole Foods Market? ...it's one of the most interesting shopping experiences you will ever have.  There are so many wonderful and different foods there.. a lot of organics.. but the great thing is .. you can sample things.. they actually prepare foods there.. and it's not like some of the dirty groceries where you have a little bucket and some unclean, minimum-wage flunky is passing out samples .. this is a very nice atmosphere.. if you live near one.. even if it's a bit of a trip.. I'd highly recommend going.. just don't eat first.. you WILL want to eat there.. so many conversations I have bring up a lot of memories.. but that's all they are now.. is just memories.. I have to understand that.. that evidently it wasn't real.. isn't real.. no matter how much I wanted it to be.. no matter how much I thought it was.. I have to realize that part of my life is over.. I no longer have yahoo messenger.. or chat with anyone.. other than t...

I opened my eyes this morning and thought to myself.. why do I have to get up?  ..what would happen if I didn't?  Then I realized that I needed to get up .. not for anyone else.. but for me.. I needed to continue on.. so I could look myself in the mirror at the end of the day... and say I did the best I could. That's the only person we need to do things for.. ourselves.. we only have our integrity.. everything else can be stripped away from us..  It takes many people their whole lives to realize this.  My spouse knows I talk with someone over the internet as I play the game.. It's not like I'm having cybersex or anything.. I don't need to hide anything from anyone.. with that one exception.. I don't offer my spouse information on my past couple of years... and that is my only compromise of myself.  Other than that.. my life is an open book.  I choose to continue to be honest on all other accounts.. and will try to maintain that.  It is actually a very ...

Another morning... another day... another restless night...  It seems like that's my life lately.. making it through each day.. just to get to another one.  I am going to keep going.. because it's the only thing I can do... but there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel yet.  I don't allow myself a chance to look for the light. Isn't it strange how most of us can't see how we affect other people.. how our choices set forth a series of events that we can't change. Hindsight is 20/20..  I always said that if I had the choice to go back and change the past.. I wouldn't.. because I like who I am.. and how my life is..  I can't say that now.. I am not happy.. but that's because I can't allow myself to be happy. I have good things that happen.. but they are all overshadowed by the darkness of my life. I just took a break from typing.. to get my morning bath.. and while I was shaving my head.. I nicked the back of my head.. and it sta...

I appreciate someone having the courage to stick with me.. and listen to all of this.. That doesn't mean I'm going to change.. that doesn't mean I can encourage them that there may be something different on the horizon... it just means that I find it refreshing to know that all people aren't rushing in and out of my life at the drop of a hat.. when things get tough.. I still know that it's just a matter of time before I am going to miss someone.. even if that person is only a really good friend.  I can't convence myself of anything different. There are times when I long to say something mean.. or vindictive.. but I try to refrain from that.  I don't think that many people truly know what they want in the first place.  So.. I will continue on my small path.. gently rowing my boat down the stream... and hope that I don't get capsized again.  I have my life jacket of cynicism on now though... I'm not ignorant enough to say that I won't even have fee...

So.... another day passes.. I am not certain how this day will go.. or end... but at least I know that I am alive.  In the poem, Row, Row, Row your boat.. the last line... "Life is but a dream" ... I am beginning to understand that now.. Life doesn't really seem all that real sometimes.  In a dream.. most of the time.. I am just an observer.. watching things happen.. usually to me.. and so often I feel so powerless to stop them from happening.. That's the way I feel right now.  I am not an active participant in my life.  I see all the things happen.. and I want to change things.. I want things to be different.. but it can't be.  I was told that I will heal.   It's been almost 3 months now.. and I feel a little more lost each day.  I was contacted by a former online interest yesterday... she had just been dumped after having met a guy.. and wanted to "share our pain" ...she seemed upset that I wouldn't talk to her on the phone. ..anyway the conver...

I won't allow myself to be happy..  I continue to push my friends and family away... That always seems to be the case.. sometimes I'm not even aware of when I am doing it now... I really don't want to hurt people.. and I do that anyway... no matter how much I say things.. my actions seem to convey a different appearance.. I need to crawl back into my emotional shell and just wait it out.. ride out the hurt.. the uncertainness.. the lonliness.. The words I put here in my blog... they're not just words.. these are my deepest thoughts.. that's why it's called "under my hat" ..it's IS what is going through my brain.. It IS a glimpse inside my mind at the thoughts I have.  People may look at this and think there is some sort of motive behind what I say.. but I have NO motive... I've come to learn to expect nothing.  I might have been halfway hoping for things at one point in time... but now.. I really don't have any expectations from anyone.  I ...

I sometimes feel like I don't want to go on... I feel like that all I am going to find... is heartache and hurt...  but I won't give up.  I won't surrender to the adversities of life. I really need to work on my life.  To improve things... I do want to be happy... I guess by reading here.. I seem like some sort of emo guy... but even though I'm in pain internally... most of the time I walk around like nothing is wrong.  I choose to get up in the morning.. I choose to go to work... I choose to continue struggling... We all have choices... sometimes the choices are limited.. but we still have a choice.  I am supposed to go to my Grandmother's  Thanksgiving dinner... I want to go.. it might be her last.  I wonder what kind of advice she would give me... would it be as cold and callous as my Dad's advice?  I am certain that if he knew how deeply I hurt.. he would tell me to try to be happy.. even though he says differently.  I bought a lot...

I attended a lecture last night.. from the Teacher of the Year.. at a campus in the city.  It was very enlightening.. and if you ever get the chance to listen to Rafe Esquith, I highly recommend it.  Last night reminded me how much I missed going out.  We met at my supervisor's house.. a few of the people I work with brought their families.. I brought no one.  My kids had school.. and I live too far from the city to drag them out so late. I would have been less self-conscious if I hadn't been married. My spouse doesn't like going to lectures and things like that anyway.. she's a homebody. I got to thinking last night... I think part of the reason I got married to the person I did.. was that I settled for someone whom I had some respect for... I was certain she would never cheat on me.. and lastly.. I think I picked someone I knew my parents would approve of.   I don't mean to say that I don't care about my spouse... as I've said many times... she's j...

Today's post is a dedication to my friend... she is finalizing a divorce today.. and I know it will be a particularly hard day for her.  I am certain that things will move smoothly.... even though I know she is anxious about it. I suppose we all tend to worry about the unknown.  I completely understand that... although I am more anxious about the known, myself.  We tend to spend our lives worrying about things that might.. or could happen.  I try to realize that I can only change certain things... and I don't have control over a lot.  There's no use in me wasting time being concerned about all the possibilities. I was told that on average we consume 4 spiders in our sleep during a person's lifetime... when they crawl into our mouths.. So ...should I go out and purchase a supply of masks to wear while I'm sleeping?  ...I don't think so.  We already spend a lot of money to protect ourselves from things that may or may not happen.. some of it is...

I was once told that I couldn't communicate my way out of a paper bag... and as far as my marriage goes... I lost the ability to communicate with my wife years ago... When I first got married.. I told her that communication was the most important thing in any relationship.. I still believe that. I was able to communicate very strongly with my spouse at the beginning.. but I didn't get much from her.. I don't know if she just didn't know how to communicate.. or just didn't want to... but over the years.. I communicated with her less and less.. as I felt she didn't ...or wouldn't communicate with me.  That might have been my fault also.. I don't know.   But since that comment.. I have tried to be open and honest with everyone... to communicate... probably more bluntly than I should.. but I found it necessary sometimes.. not to beat about the bush.. but to get things out there.. Sometimes I feel like people might think I flip flop back and forth.. with what...