Incomplete.

I attended a lecture last night.. from the Teacher of the Year.. at a campus in the city.  It was very enlightening.. and if you ever get the chance to listen to Rafe Esquith, I highly recommend it.  Last night reminded me how much I missed going out.  We met at my supervisor's house.. a few of the people I work with brought their families.. I brought no one.  My kids had school.. and I live too far from the city to drag them out so late. I would have been less self-conscious if I hadn't been married. My spouse doesn't like going to lectures and things like that anyway.. she's a homebody.

I got to thinking last night... I think part of the reason I got married to the person I did.. was that I settled for someone whom I had some respect for... I was certain she would never cheat on me.. and lastly.. I think I picked someone I knew my parents would approve of.   I don't mean to say that I don't care about my spouse... as I've said many times... she's just like a sister to me.. now... We tried to make things work... but I have let her know that we will never be intimate again.  I just don't feel that way about her.  I want more than anything.. for her to find someone she deserves.. that can be a part of her life and give her everything she needs.  It's just not me..  

It's still surprising to me.. that I grieve more over my extramarital relationship.. than I do my marriage.  I still wake up sometimes in the middle of the night.. wondering what happened. I still hear certain songs on the radio.. and tears come to my eyes.. because it reminds me of the things I thought I had finally found with someone.  ...someone I thought cared for me..  that would not leave me... physically.. or emotionally.. I gave a large part of myself away... and I'm not sure I'll ever get it back.  I don't feel like a complete person.. so I wrestle with emotions... that it isn't fair to even try sometimes.. because I can't offer myself completely to someone else... and if I was able to.. what then.. would I just lose a little more of my soul...when that person finally left?  I sometimes hate mornings... because all is quiet.. and I have so much time to think.. while I'm lying in the tub... I wrestle with my feelings... I my whole life it seems is in so much turmoil.  I can't bear the thought of going on without her... and I don't want her back. I am still stuck... in a relationship that doesn't exist anymore. ...maybe it was all in my mind in the first place... which leads me to ask questions about what I feel.  Can I ever trust my feelings?  Can I ever allow myself to feel a happiness that might be false?  I have no answers right now.. only questions.  I'm still a mess.  I will be for a long time.... I don't know how to fix it.... or if it even can be fixed.  I'm not certain of much anymore... I will continue.. from day to day.. trying to make it to the next one.  That's all I really can do right now.

I find it easy to talk.. to get my emotions out there.. basically because I don't fear the repercussions.. I can't drive someone off if I'm certain they're going to leave me anyway.  How long will I feel this way?  I have no idea about that either.  I refuse to quantify my feelings.  I think that we all wrestle with ourselves.. we fear what others think about us... we make choices and actions based on fear... We're afraid someone will leave.. we're afraid we'll be alone.. we're afraid something might happen... we're afraid that we can't be at peace..  Life isn't peaceful... it's full of turmoil.. and disappointments... the sooner we accept that.. the sooner we can try to deal with it.  Should we give up?... of course not.. it's the struggle that defines who we are.  The cowards end of giving up.. the people with little or no substance..  they are wildly tossed through life.. without trying to aim for anything.  I feel that way sometimes.. a coward.. wanting things to just "happen" ...but I've realized that we have to make choices and decisions in order to have the events occur that we hope for..  I think constantly how I can get out of my situation.. and it seems like it is becoming more and more possible to accomplish soon.  I talked with a friend.. and I am happy for her... she is now officially divorced.. and feels much more liberated.  I have felt trapped for as long as I can remember.. I am as trapped now.. as ever... I need to break the chains that bind me.. and move on with my life.  ...I still hurt.. and it's difficult to find the motivation.. when so much seems so useless... I take my cues from those around me... I deal with the things I have to deal with... and I have learned to expect little out of life.  That way I won't be disappointed. I won't mend anytime soon.. I still have pain from where half of my soul was ripped away.. I am not sure if it will grow back... I'm still incomplete.