Just living day to day.

So... it's gone..  my little counter at the bottom.. my keeping track of my visitors.. I really am doing this for me.. and it's wrong of me to check my counter and see who is seeing this.. and who isn't.. those that care.. that want to know what's going on in my life.. my mind.. will continue to check this out.. and those that don't.. won't.. I really don't care who visits and who doesn't anymore.. and the fact that I kept checking to see if she visited.. showed I really did care... but I'm done trying to see if she visits.. I'm done looking at all her friends coming through.. keeping an eye on whether I've told her one of their secrets.. I'm not telling anyone anything.. all your secrets are safe.. and so is hers.. I removed yahoo messenger from my computer completely also.. I need to remove it from my phone.. I was told by a couple of friends that this was a "healing step" ... that I was angry.. no.. I'm not angry.. I'm still hurt.. but I just have to face facts.. that is what I'm doing.. she left me for someone or something else.. she's gone now.. and no matter what happens.. I won't be able to trust her not to leave me again... so.. I'm trying to break away from some of the daily reminders that I keep. God knows that I have more than enough of them every waking minute of the day.. that I don't need to keep adding more.  I do still care for her.. I won't say love.. because I don't believe in that anymore.. and I won't let myself.. No matter how much someone tries to get close.. there will always be that knowledge that sooner or later.. they will grow tired or me.. or desire something else. I never even thought about being with anyone else while I was with her..  she used her husband as an excuse so she could go back and start all over with someone else... and it's ok.. if she didn't love me.. that way.. she stopped saying it awhile back.. and that should have been my first clue.. May she find all the happiness she can get.. I know for a fact that online life is full of hurt.. and grief.. and she can flitter from guy to guy and get her fill.. but I won't be a doormat.. with a welcome sign for when she gets done "sowing her wild oats"  ...and I don't think she would be happy doing the same for any guy she was or will be with. 

I just got my phone bill.. I see my spouse is talking about as much as I am now.. but hers are to her family.. all the numbers I know.. I was sorta hoping she would have some on there to an unknown number.. maybe finding someone.. but she isn't like that.. she maintains her status with our daughters.. and watches tv all day.. the job search still isn't happening.. so I will have to get started on that after the first of the year.  I am not really in a hurry to move out now... I am starting to give up on really believing in a life for me anywhere but in my room...  I continue to blog.. and play my game.. and that seems to be it.  Sometimes it seems depressing.. but other times.. it seems "safe"  ...If I stay here.. I don't have to live through more pain.. and more disappointment... It's something I'll have to think about.. there's not really anything else for me out there.. I won't let there be.. so.. I can move out.. and be alone.. or I can live here.. and be alone.. not much difference really.. but here.. I can still support my daughters if they ever need me.  ...it's not like I really ever plan on having sex again.. that thought does bother me a little.. but I will adjust.. just as I have to all the other curves life has thrown me..

I have to take my students to WKU.. my old college today.. I'll see a lot of things that will stir up memories of my love in college.. and the wonderful times I had there.. but I suppose that we all have to face up to the realities of life.. and loss on a daily basis.  I don't know really what I want anymore... I am not even certain that I want anything more than just to exist at times... I hope that I can learn to adjust to this way of thinking.. it still hurts... I still feel pain.. and I think that some part of me.. always will.. I just need to deal with the fact that I can't move on and I can't live in the past.. so.. the present is all I can think about.. just living day to day.

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