Disposable.

so.. I don't have to work tonight.. first Thursday night in awhile.. so.. I will blog a few minutes.. then back to WoW.  I said in my previous post.. that I didn't want her back.. that isn't exactly the correct wording.. I want her back with all my heart.. but.. I also know that she left me.. and I would just be waiting for her to leave me again.. in college I was left after 2 years.. with someone previous... after 6 months.. I never leave.. well.. again.. that's not entirely correct.. I'm leaving my spouse. ..but only after 17 years... and little or no communication. I feel like she left me emotionally years ago..  I won't put myself out there... just so someone else can leave me... I thought she was different.. I thought that she meant what she said.. and that she knew what she wanted... but it seems she is still discovering that. I wish I had known before we took the relationship offline. I am in touch with myself enough to know what I wanted.... what I would be happy with.  It will take me a long time to deal with the loss I now have to face.. but I must do that. It will be difficult for me.. I know that.  She's given me no indication that I am wanted in her life.. and it's been a few weeks now.. she visits almost daily now.. and knows what I'm going through.. and many of her friends visit too.. just to look at the performing monkey.. I don't care.. I am who I am.. and I'll write what is on my mind.  People can either like it.. or fuck off.. I have said nothing out of spite.. I've said nothing that I wasn't feeling was the truth.. when I go back and read through my blog.. I wouldn't change a word of it.. I did.. and do still hurt.. the hurt has now moved to the realization that I don't want to ever go through this again.. I don't want to be hurt like she has hurt me.. I can't give all anymore.. there's too much of myself at stake.. I made myself too vunerable.. and was tossed aside when she realized that I wasn't what she wanted.  I only wish she had been able to be open with me.. about everything.. instead of doing things behind my back.. even when she said she was my friend.. she wasn't.. she only didn't want to face me.. the way others did to her.. and she got pissed about it. I always tried to keep the communication open.. so much so that it bothered her.. smothered her.. well.. I know better now. I know that she hates to read much of this.. but if she looks at it long and hard.. she will find the truth in it... whether she wants to admit it or not.  ...in any case... my life goes on.. for better or worse.  I don't know what will happen.. I am damaged now.. and will not allow my feelings to control me anymore.  I know that it doesn't matter how much you love someone.. and how much you try.. you can't account for the fact that in the life of many people.. you're disposable.

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