Coming clean.

I was asked.. wouldn't I lie about telling someone they had a beautiful baby.. or how if asked how a botched surgery looked.. wouldn't I say .."it looks fine" .. actually in both cases.. I haven't lied about that... my own youngest one was the ugliest baby I ever saw.. I loved her.. and knew she wouldn't always look like that.. she was bruised during childbirth.. and I commented on how she looked.. even though it hurt a few people.  So.. I have been brutally honest for quite awhile.. however, one of the few lies I've been perpetuating is the lie that maybe she will see all of this.. and know how I truly feel.. and come back to me.. I know that isn't going to happen.. I just keep lying to myself thinking it would change.  I give up.. I don't want her back. If she comes back now.. it isn't the person I thought it was.. no one could actually give an ounce of caring for me... knowing that I have been through all I have.  Does that mean I don't still love her?... no.. I will ALWAYS love her.. or what I thought was love.  I am still certain that love doesn't exist.   ... I would be able to forgive her.. for pulling away from me.. for being with someone else... but the fact that she shut me out of her life completely.. I won't allow her back now.. no matter how hard that is to face... she chooses to do this daily to me.. she chooses to hurt me like this.. knowing how I feel..  The last lie that I have to come clean about is Yes.. I have an IP monitor.. and I know that she visits my page.. it's one of the last few "omissions" I have ... the lying stops..  I cared deeply for her.. but I know that it's time to cut the cords...  I would have remained with her forever if she hadn't pushed me away so hard.. so she's gotten what she wants.. I'm done.  ...does that mean I will be with someone else?  I still don't believe in love.. so it's not what I'm looking for.  I could have used this page to hurt her purposely... to lie about what was happening in my life.. but I've been honest about my feelings here.. I never have logged onto any of the sites.. I won't.. to do that would be compromising myself.. and I really don't want to know what is happening anyway... anyone who cares would have made an attempt to contact me... and I know several people know where I am.. and how to contact me...For those few who can't figure it out.. I'm at kmshirley@gmail.com  and I have nothing to hide..  Among my visitors I see people from many areas.. but the ones I don't talk to include the people from Kansas... Missouri.. Texas.. Illinois.. Pennsyvlania.. and North Carolina... Arizona.. California..  visiting my page.. I know the cities.. but I will refrain from listing them.. and I know who some of them are.. and some of them are people she had to have told about the site. I've been able to figure out most.. but not all.. I will continue to blog here.. the truth.. no more of this lying here.. this is my place to put out my feelings honestly.. and I won't be lying anymore.. at least not here. Other than that I  am satisified with everything I have said.. I feel that everything I have posted here.. has been nothing but the truth. I don't care if people continue to read or not.. I just need to have a place I can go to.. to be ME.  It's all about coming clean.

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