Everyone leaves

I'm still on my rock cliff.. stuck on a ledge.. not sure how I got here.. but if I go back.. Either way I go.. I will probably end up crashing to the earth.. and it will kill me.   Not literally.. but it will kill what little bit of myself that is still here... Tomorrow is her birthday.. and I hope it is a good one for her.. I want to send her a happy birthday wish.. but my one attempt to contact her was met on deaf ears.. I'm certain she doesn't need me screwing up her day by trying to contact her.. I feel like I'm so numb right now... it isn't getting any better... maybe after her birthday.. I can find a little peace and put things into perspective.. after all.. it's her that sent me away... if she wanted me to come back.. she would have let me know.... or at least contacted me...   I suppose she is enjoying her space..  she had to have realized that this would end what we had.. the same as if I had done the same to her.. the thing is.. I know what I wanted.. and even though I communicated it to her.. she either didn't believe me.. or didn't want the same thing..  I try to make sense of it.. every day.. every night.. and it still causes me so much grief.. I am cold and distant to my friends.. but I don't see myself getting any better. I am not wanting to use someone to patch up my failed relationship... What I have with my friend is a wonderful friendship.. but that's all I can and will allow it to be.  I won't hurt her any more than I already am.. and I can't allow her to hurt me.
I've  been trying to sleep.. but after about an hour nap.. I've been up.. watched tv for a bit.. lay in bed for awhile.. nothing works.. I have this pain in my stomach.. I'm not sure if it's from where I've been sick.. or the fact that I've let myself hurt for so long that it is affecting me physically. ...in any case I won't be going to work today.  Even I can't get by on just an hour of sleep.
I wonder if she ever used her day I gave her.. I hope so.. and I hope she enjoyed it.. Maybe she can at least have some good rememberances of me..  I know that she has to hate me.. to hurt me so much by ignoring me.. on top of everything else.  I sorta pushed her into that though.  it was.. all or nothing.. even though I never said that.. it was the way I acted... I wanted to be her all.. to share a wonderful life with her... I just never realized that she was interested in something or someone else.  I guess I was either foolish.. or blind.  I won't contact her.. as long as I still have a breath left in me.. I will keep on doing as she requested and give her all the space she wishes..  I do miss her.. in so many things I do.. there's too much to remind me of all the things we shared and talked about.  I know that those things will never come to be now.. I am changing, I guess... I was asked what I was thinking about recently.. I said.. being in a mountain cabin.. alone... and it was pointed out that I always think of myself as alone now...  at least alone.. I can only blame myself for the pain. I don't have to worry about anyone else abandoning me..  it's just so hard to get used to the idea... but I can see it becoming a reality more and more each day.  I hope one day.. I can wake up.. and be happy with the fact that I am going to be alone.. not because no one wants to be with me.. but because it is what I choose.  Sooner or later.. no matter what they say.. everyone leaves.