Coping
Ok.. so maybe I've been working a bit too much lately... I think 62 hours of overtime constitutes a bit over my limit. I am tired... rundown.. and get a bit cranky.. even though I don't show it much.... for no reason. I suppose it's just a matter of time before I end up sick physically from pushing myself so hard... I might lighten up.. some.. at least back to only 40 hours or so... I woke up quite awhile ago.. even though I could sleep in today.. maybe.. I am supposed to call and find out whether the guy that was on leave.. is back or not.. if not.. then I'll be working today too..
Thursday is Thanksgiving... I have a lot to be thankful for.. but I also have a lot I wish I didn't have. I am healthy.. or fairly healthy anyway. I have two wonderful daughters who must be going through quite a bit with my whole pulling back thing.. I have a spouse that still does my laundry and takes care of things around the house.. even if it's not an adequate job.. she seems to try more. ...and I have a few friends that listen and share.. I have a good paying job that allows me to purchase all the things we need.. I have a way to get back and forth to work.. I have a roof over my head.. but despite it all.. I still feel miserable at least 95 percent of the time... the other 5 percent.. is sparsely scattered throughout my week. moments of feeling adequate.. like I actually matter..
I am glad I made changes to my way of thinking.. I have cut almost all connections to the online world I had been living in... it was nice to interact with people who were going through what I was.. but it seems that most of them are now selfish and will take most any chance to screw someone over... I refuse to be a part of that... as I said to someone recently.. if something is bothering you.. then get away from it.. no one forced me online.. no one forces me to play my game.. The online site I was visiting became more of a pain than a relief.. so I gathered enough strength to remove myself from them completely.. I don't visit. and won't visit anymore. My game was an annoyance a couple of years ago due to the drama that unfolded in the guild I was in.. I was caught in the middle... and refused to choose sides... so I ended up losing most of my so-called "friends" by not taking their side. ...so I ended up leaving. Even now that I'm back.. it's not the same.. there is not the huge social interaction I had once before... I quest with a friend.. and that is good enough. ...but I figure that friend will probably reach a point where she is bored with the dynamics of the game... and end up leaving that too.. that's ok though.. everyone needs to do what makes them happy.. I blog.. I play my game.. I eat... sleep.. and I work... that pretty much sums up my life..
I suppose it is a bit pathetic.. my holding on to things that have passed out of my life.. I try to do better.. in many cases I can actually have a decent day... but I think my good days are over.. it was suggested awhile back that maybe I need some psychiatric help.. that's a last resort.. I don't want to use medications to get over my life.. that's a cowards way out.. just like using drugs.. most people do it to cope.. I won't do that either.. I am stronger than most people give me credit for.. I won't crack.. I won't submit to the beating that life has given me.. I have deep thoughts.. and I try to get most of them out here.. there's still a whole lot to write about... and who knows.. I might even have a few years left in this life to do so.. I'd never kill myself.. but it really wouldn't bother me to find out I had some sort of terminal disease... well.. maybe a little.. but in any case.. I would welcome the relief to my daily anguish.. ...I'll continue to live my life.. exist.. and do what I have to do to get through each day... it's called coping...
Thursday is Thanksgiving... I have a lot to be thankful for.. but I also have a lot I wish I didn't have. I am healthy.. or fairly healthy anyway. I have two wonderful daughters who must be going through quite a bit with my whole pulling back thing.. I have a spouse that still does my laundry and takes care of things around the house.. even if it's not an adequate job.. she seems to try more. ...and I have a few friends that listen and share.. I have a good paying job that allows me to purchase all the things we need.. I have a way to get back and forth to work.. I have a roof over my head.. but despite it all.. I still feel miserable at least 95 percent of the time... the other 5 percent.. is sparsely scattered throughout my week. moments of feeling adequate.. like I actually matter..
I am glad I made changes to my way of thinking.. I have cut almost all connections to the online world I had been living in... it was nice to interact with people who were going through what I was.. but it seems that most of them are now selfish and will take most any chance to screw someone over... I refuse to be a part of that... as I said to someone recently.. if something is bothering you.. then get away from it.. no one forced me online.. no one forces me to play my game.. The online site I was visiting became more of a pain than a relief.. so I gathered enough strength to remove myself from them completely.. I don't visit. and won't visit anymore. My game was an annoyance a couple of years ago due to the drama that unfolded in the guild I was in.. I was caught in the middle... and refused to choose sides... so I ended up losing most of my so-called "friends" by not taking their side. ...so I ended up leaving. Even now that I'm back.. it's not the same.. there is not the huge social interaction I had once before... I quest with a friend.. and that is good enough. ...but I figure that friend will probably reach a point where she is bored with the dynamics of the game... and end up leaving that too.. that's ok though.. everyone needs to do what makes them happy.. I blog.. I play my game.. I eat... sleep.. and I work... that pretty much sums up my life..
I suppose it is a bit pathetic.. my holding on to things that have passed out of my life.. I try to do better.. in many cases I can actually have a decent day... but I think my good days are over.. it was suggested awhile back that maybe I need some psychiatric help.. that's a last resort.. I don't want to use medications to get over my life.. that's a cowards way out.. just like using drugs.. most people do it to cope.. I won't do that either.. I am stronger than most people give me credit for.. I won't crack.. I won't submit to the beating that life has given me.. I have deep thoughts.. and I try to get most of them out here.. there's still a whole lot to write about... and who knows.. I might even have a few years left in this life to do so.. I'd never kill myself.. but it really wouldn't bother me to find out I had some sort of terminal disease... well.. maybe a little.. but in any case.. I would welcome the relief to my daily anguish.. ...I'll continue to live my life.. exist.. and do what I have to do to get through each day... it's called coping...
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