This is me.

I was right.. about several things.. but I've also been wrong about some things too.. I received an apology yesterday.. and I actually believe it was a sincere one.. I understand that some people say things they don't mean when they are hurt... I've done that myself.. I know that life is about getting past our obstacles... about trying to make it through with as little collateral damage as possible.  I won't say the things that were said in the correspondence.. it wasn't an attempt to win me back.. it wasn't an attempt to say we should be together.. it was just an apology... and I appreciate it.. I may have been upset.. but I'm not angry at anyone.. I won't hold a grudge to anyone.. but I also know that I don't like people trying to plan my life without me being a part of the planning process.  I am still hurt.. I will continue to stay hurt.. I do understand a lot of what was told to me.. but I think it was an excuse... to justify some of the things that were done...  I don't trust anyone enough now to completely believe all the things that were said to me in that apology.. because it's not words that matter.. but actions.. I am sorry that I called her crazy... but she did act crazy... she did seem paranoid.. seeing things that wasn't there.. I suppose we all seem crazy or paranoid at times.. I'm ok with that.. I still cannot "move on" with my life.. I am still stuck.. indefinitely.. I try to take each day as I come to it.. I can't make commitments.. nor will I make any commitments to anyone.. I have made that clear all along... I refuse to let anyone too close to my heart.. and I know that sooner or later.. that will hurt someone... all I can do is wait for the "you were right" again.. not that I want to be right.. but I know that I am.. I know myself well enough to know what I feel .. what I think.. I still love her more than any love I've ever felt.. and I don't know why.. but I'm not stupid enough to think I will ever be able to have a relationship with her.. because I will continue not to trust her.. not because of what she said.. but because of her actions....  and the sad part is.. if I can't trust her.. after what I felt.. and what I went through with her... I can't allow myself to trust anyone.. I won't allow anyone to ever get as close as she did... so I will never be able to move on..  When it comes down to it.. words are just words.. we say things to make ourselves feel better.. to try to manipulate others.. sometimes even to manipulate ourselves.. I am sorry for those I've hurt.. by my actions..  my words are just what I feel at the time.. my thoughts are sometimes conflicting.. anyone in my life that can't understand that would do well by just accepting it.. or avoiding me..   I don't know how much pain I am going to go through in the coming years... but I can promise that my outlook won't change for years to come.. I know myself well enough to know this.  I only wish what I thought I had... was real.. but now I know it's not.. words will never make me believe that it was..  I appreciate the apology.. and I apologize myself for things that I said.. if they hurt... I'm sorry.. but everything I said.. had a basis for being said.  I will always try to tell the truth.. at least here.. this is MY blog.. if I ever start lying here.. then I might as well give it up.. because it would incorporate not only me lying to everyone else.. but to myself.. and my integrity is one of the few things I have left.. my honesty.... I value that above anything else. ..I don't have much love.. or much compassion anymore.. I wish sometimes that I did.. I don't hate anyone.. I don't hold grudges.. I don't see the point.. people are as they are.. they either choose to be a part of my life.. or they don't.... they either choose to be constructive.... destructive.. or they don't... A large part of me is destroyed.. due to events of the past few months.. I can't pretend that I am fine.. that things will be ok.. and that I'll be back to my old self in no time... sure.. I'll be ok.. I'll continue.. but I'm not the person I was several months back.. that person is dead.. and I won't ever try to revive him..  I am a firm believer in forgiveness.. I hope that people forgive me.. and I in turn try to forgive those that hurt me.. but I don't forget it.. no matter what is said and done.. I know that it happened.. and that things could happen again..  When I was very small.. I stuck my finger in an electric socket.. I burned my finger in a candle fire.. and the amount of pain I've been through the last few months.. was so much more than that... the scar will always be there..  I will show anyone that comes fairly close into my life.. this blog.. and explain to them that this is why I won't be available.. it's what I have maintained all along.. it is what I will continue to maintain... yes.. I plan on leaving my family.. but this thing with my mom... may have delayed that awhile.. I will focus on being there for her.. and less on my discomfort.. I will live.. as I have.. until it is over.. and then I will look at moving out... does that mean I will want a relationship.. more than friendship?  .. no.. that's all I will ever be able to carry on.. with anyone..  I have had people keep telling me.. you'll change your mind.. you'll heal.. and then things will be ok.. you'll open back up..  This is as open as I can be.. as anyone can be.. I throw pretty much everything out here.. if people choose not to believe it.. then any hurt.... and misinterpretation.. is on them.. I haven't pretended to be something I'm not.. I haven't become enlightened.. ...I just survive.. for me.. I am stuck here.. day by day.. and I won't be anything besides what you see.. This is me.