Closure.

You were the one who sent me away... you said you needed space.. you needed to be with someone else.. I would never be able to trust you again.. that's what I would have to say to her.. even if she changed her mind and figured out that I loved her more than anyone ever has... and ever will.. I was willing to do anything for her.. and would have been happy.. but now.. I won't let myself.. ever get that involved with anyone. We all have repercussions for our actions.. and everyone makes mistakes.. but it's been 3 months.. and she still needs her space.. so she has it.. forever. I don't want to walk down a path knowing that at any time... even after almost a year of increasing closeness.. that I could be left abandoned.  I know that all people aren't the same.. but this shows me that I cannot believe my own feelings... I have come to the realization that as she continues day by day to stay away.. that it truly is over.. If she really had cared for me.. she would have offered some explanation.. some bit of solice from the pain I've been putting myself through...  I am trying to heal myself.. but it's just not happening.. so I have to push myself to let her go completely.  If you're reading this.. continue as you have.. and don't contact me... You aren't my friend.. and sometimes I wonder if you ever were.. I think maybe I was just a shelter in the storm of your life.. and now that you have your independence.. you walked away from me.. our last conversation was that you didn't want to talk.. and wanted me to leave you alone.. so I backed off.. waiting for word from you.. and it never came... that was over two months ago.. I have no idea what is happening with you now.. as I refuse to log in online...but I hope things are going better.. because despite it all.. I still want you to be happy.. because the feelings I had for you were as real as I've ever had.. and you walked away from everything I am.. so maybe I'm dense for taking this long to figure out that you really never wanted me.. never really loved me... I'm sorry to have wasted your time.. you and your friends can continue to read my blog all you want.. but I will continue to be who I am.. if the roles were reversed.. and I told you I wanted you to back off.. then I knew how much pain you were going through.. without me.. and never offered anything.. how would you have taken it..  I can't change my feelings.. I still love you.. but I can't allow myself ever to become a part of something that rejects me on a daily basis.. I won't succumb to my emotions.. I imagine that you were just waiting for this.. so I"m giving it to you.. goodbye.. it's as simple as that.. I don't want to be involved with someone who can walk away from me.. and give up on what I thought we had.. because evidently you didn't think nearly as much of it. I needed closure.. and it looks like this is the only way I will get it.

I won't put everyone in that category.. that people will be cruel.. and selfish.. and walk away from the person that cares most about them..  but I can't trust anything knowing that something that I felt so deep.. was completely a lie.. there's no way I can tell what feelings are real.. and which are not.. she walked away from the best I had to offer.. it wasn't enough.. so.. I cannot believe in myself anymore.. I am not certain of anything.. and won't be.  My heart has a hole to large to fill.  ...and I will continue to mourn her indefinitely.. any relationship takes work.. takes tending.. and she decided that ours wasn't valuable enough to work at it.. to tend it anymore.. I made several attempts at trying to understand.. but all I got was that she didn't want anything online.. with me anyway.. I don't know if she's got anything else.. or not.. and I don't really want to know.. I can guess she's moved on with someone else.. and if she has.. I wish them both good luck.. they're going to need it.  As for me.. I will continue to be jaded.. to look at life with the knowledge that no matter how good you think you have it.. people have their own agenda.. and I refuse to be the safety net when a person walks away from me... Her friends told me that it should have been a clean break long ago.. I just didn't see it.. she did.. she was able to talk to them about it.. but not me.. I suppose she didn't feel that close to me then.  I won't flounder from one relationship to another.. I am not looking for anything.. or anyone.. I just need to have the strength to trust in myself.. I'm trying to do that.. but after what I've felt.. knowing that it wasn't real.. no matter how much it seemed to be.. I won't be able to do that for a long, long time.. if ever.  I don't know why I had to pour all of this out this morning.. I guess I just needed closure.