I spent an hour here.. trying to get things out.. and then the whole machine ate my post.. I have to learn to type long posts elsewhere.. I just basically said that I am done with her.. knowing that even if she were back in my life.. I would constantly expect her to leave me.. again.. so I know that it is over... now adjusting to that fact will take time.. I am logical enough to know that I won't go the rest of my life without sex.. and I can't have sex without someone I care about... and NO.. it will NEVER be my spouse... that is over also.  I am not certain about what path lies ahead of me.. and I don't know how I would ever be able to allow anyone to get that close... it's difficult to face certain decisions in my life.  As much as she has put me through.. I still hope that she finds her happiness somewhere.. and that things will work out for her.  I am through pursing anyone.. I've figured out that I am a failure at truly understanding some people. All my relationship are failures.. and I still don't know why.. is it me?  I embark on a quest of understanding.. to try to figure out why I chase everyone away... I won't live defeated though.  I told a friend of mine who is going through a relationship crisis.. that in order to get the most out of a relationship.. you have to give everything.. I thought I did that... I believe it was worth the risk.. unfortunately.. I have been burned several times now.  The last time.. just about did me in... I don't see how I can give all I have left.. again... I am just damaged.. tainted.



But I'm still alive.. I refuse to live defeated.. no matter what I've been through... I have to go on each day.. and at least make an effort..  I can rise above this.. I think.. I want so much to live.. but I find it hard each day to make to face life.. and go on.. I have to believe that I can go on.. I have to find the strength somewhere... to rise above it all... like a skyscraper.

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