being human.

I get to work today... more overtime... yipee! ....I know it's hard to tell the sarcasm in the written word sometimes...but there's plenty of it here.. In one way... I'm glad to help out.. because they are so short staffed... and it does give some extra money for Christmas... but I have more than enough overtime to do me for awhile.  I'm certain there should be another deserving staff member on center to be allowed to work it. 

I spent the better part of the evening yesterday talking to a friend.. about all kinds of things.. and I do feel better.. I can't change a whole lot.. I can't change my feelings.. but I can choose to act accordingly.... to match what I am saying.. It's when we let go... that we can truly start to change ourselves.  In college.. it took me 4 years to get over my relationship.. no.. I won't even say I got over it.. I learned to deal with it.. and go on with my life.  I don't know how long this will take... I feel like I'm more in touch with myself now.. than I was back then... but I also have the constant conflicts going on inside of me.. I think I screw myself over the most.. when I let my emotions run my behavior.. I need to return to a logical way of thinking.. that's more me than anything. I am trying to do that now.. I spew out all this emotional stuff... to try to get it out of my system.. but realistically.. it's just bringing it back to the surface.. the emotions.. will always be there... it's putting them in check that becomes the chore now.. to not dwell on emotions.. they are not real.. they will cause you to do things.. and say things.. that start the rollercoaster rolling. Everything I've said.. is the emotions and thoughts that have run through my mind.. at the time I was typing... I don't go back and edit my posts.. not even before posting them... I think that would be censoring myself. Most times I don't even re-read what I have typed before submitting it. I don't want to make the mistake of being fake.. I need realism.. openness.. in my life.. from everyone.. even if they do hurt me.. at least it's the truth.  I can deal with the truth.. much better than avoidance.. I've found that out in no uncertain terms.. It's one of my downfalls.. yes.. I'm cruel sometimes.. I say things.. bluntly.. but that is me.. I guess that comes across as being an asshole.  That's ok.. it's when we hide things.. and they DO eventually come out.. that we become nontrustworthy.. I've hurt my friends.. by things I say.. and those that don't know me.. would think I do it.. because I'm being mean.. I truly don't want to hurt anyone.. I just need to be frank.. I need to tell it like it is.. many of us say we do that.. then hide what we really want to say.. that's so hypocritical.. I may have done that myself a few times.. but then I try to go back and correct it as soon as I realize it.  We all make mistakes.. I've made more than my share.. but it's not about the mistakes.. it's how we deal with them.. and how we try to correct them.. that matters.. Again.. is everything I've said true?... probably not.. but it was true to me at the time.. I'm learning to cope... with some of the lies I've been fed... some of the situations that I caused... but I will continue to make mistakes.. I will continue.. being human.

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