My own person.

Another morning... another day... another restless night...  It seems like that's my life lately.. making it through each day.. just to get to another one.  I am going to keep going.. because it's the only thing I can do... but there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel yet.  I don't allow myself a chance to look for the light. Isn't it strange how most of us can't see how we affect other people.. how our choices set forth a series of events that we can't change. Hindsight is 20/20..  I always said that if I had the choice to go back and change the past.. I wouldn't.. because I like who I am.. and how my life is..  I can't say that now.. I am not happy.. but that's because I can't allow myself to be happy. I have good things that happen.. but they are all overshadowed by the darkness of my life. I just took a break from typing.. to get my morning bath.. and while I was shaving my head.. I nicked the back of my head.. and it started bleeding.. but .. in time it will heal.. just as all my other cuts.. I've had injuries before.. some have left scars.. I put a bandage.. or bandaid on them.. and sooner or later the bleeding stops. then it works out to heal itself.. all the while it is healing .. it aggravates.. annoys.. itches.. I have never been hurt as much as I was in August.. I will have the biggest scar there.. on my heart.. I always said that people who aren't close to me can't hurt me.. I was at the online sites.. and was the brunt of several comments.. but none of those never bothered me at all.. because I wasn't close to the people who said it.. and what they said... didn't matter.. I allowed someone close enough to hurt me.. because I thought she wouldn't.. I was so certain of it.. that I allowed her full access to everything I was... that was the worst mistake I ever made.  It's only those that we care about.. that can truly hurt us... the rest of it.. is just annoyance.. I figured that out long ago.. If I can ever recover.. even enough to not hurt daily.. I won't make that mistake again..  I like pets.. I really do.. I get annoyed at the hair.. and mess they make.. but I don't let them inside.. I think part of it.. is because I know sooner or later.. I'll get attached to them if they are constantly there.. and then they'll die.. leave.. like most everything else..  My daughters have had pets.. even though I wasn't thrilled with it.. My spouse is responsible for their upkeep.. yeah.. I'll feed them occasionally.. even pet one of them every once in awhile.. but I won't play with them very much.. I won't get attached.. I think maybe I'm doing that with everyone in my life now..  Life is about people leaving..  you share some good times with some that come into and go out of your world.. but sooner or later.. everyone leaves.. even if it is dying..  I know I say that often.. but I am constantly reminded of it.. I still have my memories.. of friends.. relatives.. loves.. but they are no longer a part of my life.. even in my own house.. I have put everyone at a distance.. because I know that soon we will be apart too..  I won't give in... and allow anyone access to hurt me again.  At least this way I can be my own person..