Choices.

We all have a choice.. we choose to behave the way we do.. we choose whether we want to act like adults.. we choose to get up each day.. sure.. there may be some serious repercussions if we don't do some things.. but it's still a choice.  I choose to stay with my spouse each day even though I am miserable here.. I choose to blog about my feelings.. I choose to play my game.. our feelings just are.. we have choices about how we deal with those too... I spend time with my friend.. I work A LOT... I eat.. I sleep.. I could quit most anything.. but then I'd have to deal with the problems that arise from quitting what I do... I have to look at myself each night in the mirror and see who is looking back at me.. and decide if I actually like this person.  I don't know how some people can actually look at themselves..  or maybe they just don't care about anything.. I said yesterday that my "give a damn" is busted.. and it is.. to a certain point... I don't care about what other people think of me anymore.. I care about what I think of myself.. because I have to live with myself.. and what I do.. am I happy with all the decisions I make.. well.. no.. not exactly.. but I make some on the spur of the moment.. doing what I think is best.. or coping how I feel I need to cope at that time.. I spend a lot of time soul searching.. and even though a lot of my soul is damaged.. my heart.. mangled.. my mind torn.... I will continue to carry on each day because it's better than the alternative.. I speak a lot about trust.. and love.. I always wanted to trust people.. until they gave me a reason not to.. now.. I'm more about not trusting anyone.. at least until they give me a reason to... even then .. I don't feel I will ever trust anyone fully.. but I can trust certain people to a small extent now.. I will never get over the hurt I  felt a few months ago.. I know that.. but I can choose to quit blogging about it so much.. it's evident how I feel.. how I will always feel... anyone who has been reading my posts know what is on my mind.. because I choose to lay it all out there.. for anyone to see... I know that certain people will look at this and think.. he is crazy.. he doesn't have a clue about how things are... he is a moron for holding on so long to something that walked away from him.. and yeah.. some of the opinions may be right.. but I really don't care what anyone else thinks.. I don't mind what any of you comment.. I know who I am .. I know what I feel.. I know what I've been through.. I know that my life will always be overshadowed by a tainted outlook on love... I know that I choose to still strive each day.. to make it to the next.. even knowing then that I will only strive to make it to another..  I am fine with people reading this blog.. and thinking whatever they want.. I don't log IPs anymore so I don't care who reads it.. or what they comment.. I even shared my email for those who don't want to comment publicly.. does it mean I care what you think about it?  no.. I will continue to blog for me.. I told my friend a long time ago.. blog for you.. don't worry about what you blog.. as long as it's the truth.. this is a place to get your opinions out.. to work things out by putting them down.. No one can tell you that your feelings are wrong.. I thought things would be quite a bit different at this point in my life... I don't know where I am heading.. and I don't know how long I will live.. but if I died today.. I know that I have done pretty much everything I can do to let the people around me know how I feel.. not for them.. but because I want to.. I see lots of idiocy as an instructor.. people acting so immature.. not caring about anyone but themselves.. and I know why they do that.. sometimes I want to do that too.. but then I have to deal with the consequences.. and I will have to look at myself and deal with what I've done.. I am still hurt.. I am still mostly dead inside.. but I will carry on with what I have left.. even though it's not much.. I will choose to try to be a decent friend... father.. instructor.. because it's all I have left of me.. It's all about choices.

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