I will adjust...

When it rains.. it pours.. I am still dealing with my home situation.. and the stupidity at work.. my dad.. being called a liar and cheater.. and now.. I just found out from my sister.. that my mom very likely has advanced liver cancer... we'll know more on Wednesday.. but I just don't know how much more I can take..  I feel like life is just out to get me right now... I can't seem to catch a break.. so anyone who is pissed off.. or upset with me.. fuck you.. I'm doing all I can to keep my sanity.. and I don't need anyone who doesn't want to support me to stay in my life right now... I will come through this all ok.. that's what I keep telling myself.. I just don't know how to be tactful.. or all sunshine and roses... go away if you can't be constructive in my life.. I know that seems harsh.. but none of you are dealing with the same situations I am.. I just sent the one person I thought I might have loved... packing.. I can't deal with her.. and I won't allow love in my life.. but on top of that.. I don't know how what my mom is going to face in the next few months.. my sister... the doctor called me at work to let me know the possibilities.. she said that she knew I would want to know.. and she's right.. she gets me.. she knows I hate people to hide things from me.. to not tell me the truth.. and I do appreciate that she told me.. I am not completely in dispair about my mom.. but I am concerned.. no matter what else.. she is my mother.. and despite the few mistakes she may have made.. I care about her.. I do love her.. in the sense that I don't want to see her die.. but that doesn't mean I can fully care about anyone.. everyone leaves.. this may just be another thing to support that.. I can't let myself get too attached.. to involved.. I've distanced myself from my family.. from everyone.. I think it might be better if I stay that way.. alone.. it seems to work so far.. If she needs me.. I'll be there for her.. but I don't know what I can do... I'm her only son.. I am not the only person to ever lose a family member.. it will pass.. just like all my other pain will pass.. I will adjust..

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