As real as anything else.

I get to go to Nashville again today.. testing more students.. I need to try to get that moved... it will just open up more painful memories.. of not only the memories in March.. but of last June.. and failed relationships.. rejection.. I have done that myself lately.. rejected someone who put their heart out there.. and I sometimes wrestle with the actions I choose versus what I say... I have always maintained that I can only be a friend... then I go and open up my intimate thoughts to someone.. and things go downhill from there.  I guess I should be more selective in what I say.. but I can't be that way anymore.. I am the type of person that will speak my mind.. and then try to clarify later.. if I get misunderstood.  I can't really say anything against those that choose to hide their feelings.. that choose to hold back what really is on their minds.. because it seems as though that seems to cause a lot of trouble... that's not me though.. I am trying to work on my communciation skills.. as I have been told recently that I should keep my mouth shut about certain things... so I will.. because I was asked to.. that doesn't mean that the ideas still won't come through my head... it just means I respect the person enough to not burden them with the turmoil inside my head.  I don't ever want anyone to be that way with me.. I don't care if it hurts me.. I am accustomed to hurt now.. I would rather have people be up front and honest with me from the start.. rather than blindside me with things later on... if you open up a topic with me though.. I will respond honestly.. I suppose that's why people choose to lie.. to me and to themselves... I was told that the person I was a year ago.. isn't here anymore.. and that is true.. That person is dead.. destroyed.. I  have very little of him left.. I gave myself completely and that person was used up... and discarded.. all that is left is me... and even though it isn't much.. it's all I have left.. I can't love... I don't want to love.. it's just not in me.. and I don't ever see it coming back. I still maintain that true love is a myth.. not real.. it's a strong emotion.. a feeling that someone has.. but I've seen all too well that feelings can change.. so.. where someone can love someone in a moment.. that moment will pass.. and so will the love.  What I feel in my heart.. can't be love.. no matter how strongly I still feel it.. it's just something that will fade.. hopefully..  There's no way I can justify going through that again.. there's no way I could survive it.. it's nearing 3 months and the pain is still as fresh now as it ever was... growing even.. maybe that's what she wants.. to know that I will spend my life pining away for her.. well.. here you go.. hope you're happy.  I can't make myself feel any differently than I do.. I wish I could.. it would make things a lot simpler.. no amount of reasoning.. or hoping.. will cause me to have a different outlook on situations..  I have removed myself from online activities. other than WoW.. and I don't really count that.. as I spend my time there occupied with the dynamics of the game... it's sad really.. but it is all I have.. as real as anything else.