Concerned.

I did it.. I finally got rid of something that has been irritating me for a long time.  ...my hair.  I have spoken about this many times.. and needed to rid myself of something that I didn't want. Life is like that too.. we need to decide how we want things to be.. and then stick to it.. I've been so tumultuous in the last few days... in working on how to clear my life up.. making plans... I still plan to leave here in the Spring.. but I'll still live here where I work.. the same area... I won't leave my daughters in a place where we can't visit.  I hope that maybe I can be a better dad than what I am now..  anyone who knows me well.. knows I have a problem with lateness...  well.. yesterday.. one of my daughters... even after our morning push to get them up and out the door.. didn't get ready in time.  I don't know why.. but every time it happens.. I get irritated.. yesterday.. I got irritated to the point of wanting them to know I was not happy with it.... but I couldn't bring myself to scold her... I really am afraid that all my pain.. and suffering will allow me to lash out verbally.. over the smallest thing.. so I just walked out the door.. and went to work early.  I didn't hug them goodbye.. I didn't even say goodbye to them.. I just got in my car.. and drove off.. My spouse was left to drive them.. it's not like she does a whole lot anyway.. so it gave her something to do.   When I get to work.. most of the time.. I can just cross over the property line and leave all the stress and crap of my everyday life outside the grounds... I suppose that's why I'm glad to work so much overtime... I can forget everything for just awhile... and just be what I'm supposed to be.. what's expected of me.. and more.. I love being able to be counted on.. to do things for people.  I just hate going home sometimes.. to my painful.. sad suffering life.. I've turned to online gaming for an escape from it.. again..  sometimes it's the only way I can deal with things.. It's not like I have anyone I can run out with for awhile.. and do things with.  I have very little in common with my spouse.. and just feel irritated to have to be around her now.. knowing that it's going to end in the Spring.  I'm trying to be stoic at home.. not angry.. not upset.. it gets a bit harder... knowing that I am stuck there.. and I have no control at all over my life there..  I'm so certain that things will be so much better when I feel like I have a little more control.. I can actually be there for my daughters.. without feeling like I am going to hurt them by abandoning them.  It's something I constantly struggle with.. I want to be a good Dad.. but the way I am now.. I don't feel like I can be.  I hope that my spouse finds someone that will do better things for them than I do.. I just feel trapped... and it's my own fault.   We all have to deal with the decisions we make.. and there are a lot of things we wish for to turn out differently.. but we must all constantly struggle to overcome all the adversities in our life.  That's what I want to teach my daughters... that if given the situation I am in... where I am not happy.. that they don't have to live with it.. that they can change it.. and still hold up their obligations.. 
I don't have to work today.. but will be working tomorrow night.  I am ok with that.. it will be a short week... and I want to do something next weekend.. I just don't know what yet.. maybe I'll figure it out. I need to start making a more conscious effort to plan for my future.. I need to find a job for my spouse.. it's clear now.. that she's not even going to make that much of an effort.  I have a few people I know in the area.. looking for me.. but I am not certain she actually will do what she needs to do to prepare for my departure.  That bothers me too.. I want my daughters not to have to deal with doing without things.. There's a bit I worry about these days.. and most of it.. I shouldn't.. I am just concerned.

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