Reminders

So.... another day passes.. I am not certain how this day will go.. or end... but at least I know that I am alive.  In the poem, Row, Row, Row your boat.. the last line... "Life is but a dream" ... I am beginning to understand that now.. Life doesn't really seem all that real sometimes.  In a dream.. most of the time.. I am just an observer.. watching things happen.. usually to me.. and so often I feel so powerless to stop them from happening.. That's the way I feel right now.  I am not an active participant in my life.  I see all the things happen.. and I want to change things.. I want things to be different.. but it can't be.  I was told that I will heal.   It's been almost 3 months now.. and I feel a little more lost each day.  I was contacted by a former online interest yesterday... she had just been dumped after having met a guy.. and wanted to "share our pain" ...she seemed upset that I wouldn't talk to her on the phone. ..anyway the conversation ended with ... "I won't contact you again" ...my response... "Suit yourself"  I find that people tend to be with someone.. long enough to use them to satisfy their needs.. then they move on to something else.. someone else.  I won't be like that.  I can't be like that.  People seem to think that other people are disposable..  I won't be that way either..  I'll be happy to let people observe my world.. but if I participate with you.. then I must see something special in you.  Maybe I was spoiled.. but I always expected things to be so much easier.  I don't need a love right now... I just need a friend.  I know that I can stiffle my sexual urges as long as necessary.. ..wow.. I never thought I'd say that.. but I am certain of it now.. yes.. ideas still creep into my head.. and it's nice to think about... but at this moment.. I can honestly see me never having sex again. It makes me sad really.. to think about that.. but sex with someone is a form of commitment for me.. even if it isn't for so many other people.  I refuse to use someone to satisfy my sexual urges... and I have already said so many times.. that I can't give anything deep now... I can't commit anything.. because I am tainted on the whole idea of love.  I am beginning to deal with my pain.. lonliness.. in fact I sort of enjoy it.. it makes me know I am still alive... no.. I'm not going to start "cutting" myself.. or anything like that.. but my pain causes me to remember that there is so much hurt waiting for me if I were to slip and end up in another relationship... I have a few people that tell me... you'll get over it.. things will get better... what if I don't want them to get better.  I sometimes just feel like adjusting to what I have now.. and living this way forever..  If I can adjust.. then I can't be hurt anymore.. and I know that sooner or later... anyone that comes into my life.. will get tired of me and then move on anyway... people say they won't.. but that's what they've always said.. and it never changes.  It's more likely they'll move on.. than it is that I will feel differently.. because it always happens.. I try to feel differently.. and establish something with someone.. only to find that it's only temporary.. because they do move on.  I write my blog.. to get my feelings out.. but also to serve as a reminder for me.. in case I should ever be tempted to slip.. and start another deep relationship. I can always look back at what I went through.. and be reminded that it will just end in pain.  I can't do that.. I am prepared to deal with the anguish I am being put through now..  I'm still hoping I can adjust.. but it hurts more each day. ...there has to be a bottoming out somewhere..  some point where I don't feel worse..  I can't stop the way I feel..  I talked about shopping yesterday.. and so many memories came to mind.. someone asks me about a restuarant.. like Perkins.. or even Taco Bell.. and my mind drifts to a time that was real for me.. but now only a memory.  I can't dwell on many things at all.. because there are too many reminders..