Communication.

I was once told that I couldn't communicate my way out of a paper bag... and as far as my marriage goes... I lost the ability to communicate with my wife years ago... When I first got married.. I told her that communication was the most important thing in any relationship.. I still believe that. I was able to communicate very strongly with my spouse at the beginning.. but I didn't get much from her.. I don't know if she just didn't know how to communicate.. or just didn't want to... but over the years.. I communicated with her less and less.. as I felt she didn't ...or wouldn't communicate with me.  That might have been my fault also.. I don't know.   But since that comment.. I have tried to be open and honest with everyone... to communicate... probably more bluntly than I should.. but I found it necessary sometimes.. not to beat about the bush.. but to get things out there.. Sometimes I feel like people might think I flip flop back and forth.. with what I say.. but that's just the turmoil that goes on inside my head.  It's difficult to determine whether I will be warm or cold.. because I don't know what thoughts will rise to the surface.. and what I will think about.  I do know this for sure.. once you lose the ability to communicate.. if you can't get it back.. that relationship is over.  ...whether it be friends.. lovers.. marriages..  whatever the case.  I suppose that some people refuse to throw things out there because they say they don't want to hurt you... that's bullshit.. you hurt people more.. by keeping things pent inside.  I got blindsided a few months ago.. because even though I was told I was a very close friend.. even more than that at one time.. she shut down.. stopped communicating with me... had things she couldn't tell me as a friend... When I found these things out on my own.. it was devastating. She keeps things from her other friends too.. for their own good... hopefully these things will never surface. but.. by the same token.. her friends keep things from her too...   so.. how strong is that friendship.. really.  If I have someone who considers me a friend... I want them to be open and honest with me.  My few friends that I have now.. do a decent job of that. I know that my friendship with people is on different levels.. and that's fine...  I take what I can get.. and give what I can.  Do I say things to hurt these friends.. of course I do.  If I don't.. then I'm keeping secrets from them.... and in a sense.. lying.   It bothers me to have to lie to my spouse.. even not wanting to hurt her.. I want to tell her everything.. and I've told her so much.. but the people in my life all seem to agree that telling her everything will just cause problems... so I continue this one lie.. of what I have been doing for the past year and a half.. I have a feeling there is a lot that she is still keeping from me also.. she has shared several things she has been secret about.. nothing in the way of extramarital affairs.. as I have done... but still a lot.  I guess it's ok.. I really don't consider her all that close anymore. ...it sorta hurts me to say that.  ...but when people refuse to communicate.. they damage their relationship with me.. show me that I'm not worthy of the truth.  That's the way I interpret that, anyway.  I do that too.. keep things from people.. but only when I first meet them.. or if I only develop a casual friendship with them.. I hate to even say "friendship".. it's more like an acquaintance. You can say what you like about things.. or people.. but a true friend.. develops communication.